By Anna May

Why do I keep watching this? I really do not know. Yes, I could blame it on my daughter, who loves all these talent shows. I suppose it could be the fun we have shouting at the TV together when someone so painfully crap is put through, five minutes after a pretty decent singer has just been told they can’t sing or should come back next year when they’re ‘more prepared’. It could be the excuse to moan and groan to each other about the ‘second song’ palaver that happens so often...and hasn’t been staged at all…oh yawn. It could just be we have no lives. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s that. Yes, it’s that.

What do I think of this year’s judges? Well, quite frankly I’m happy with them. Last year’s selection weren’t a good idea and I think they did the right thing bringing back four people we know can do the job, whether they be super annoying or not. I respect Nicole Scherzinger’s talent as a singer and also Sharon Osbourne’s experience in the industry. They both add their own brand of fun to the shows and Sharon, especially, doesn’t shy away from being honest about herself and her lifestyle. I don’t know her, but I kind of trust her. If I’m alone in this, so be it. I have no life remember…feel sorry.

Louis Walsh has to be there because he just does. He cracks me up with his repetitive lines and, you know, sometimes it helps to have someone to take the piss out of who actually accepts they’ve been put in the firing line for exactly that. Respect to him for turning up just to annoy Simon and show his love for all those acts only a mother could love. The show needs him and, to be fair to him, he has made his money in the music industry so he’s every right to be there. He desorves ta be on dat show. Oh kill me now.

Simon Cowell? Well…I can’t help wondering if his Newzoids character could actually stand in for him unnoticed, because I can hardly tell the difference these days. He’s looking good for his age, albeit with a little help, but his face is becoming smoother by the year. Good for him, but I’m half expecting to tune in next year to find he’s shaved his entire beard off and there’s just a dinner plate sitting there…judging. I don’t know. I did find a huge white oval plate in the back of a cupboard last week. It could just be my mind wandering. It does that…a lot…especially on hot days…or at any time really…evenings mostly...

Anyway! I think X Factor is being very ‘safe’ this year. No chances seem to have been taken with either the judging panel or the format. Even the auditions are being conducted in what appear to be very carefully controlled studio conditions. Whereas in some previous years we’ve been subjected to simply sung songs with no backing tracks or the luxury of being able to accompany with a guitar or keyboard, some singers are now being almost drowned out by the overzealous mixing. Last week there was even a smoke machine, for crying out loud.

What about the talent this year? I do believe there are some great singers in the mix. Some are a little crazy, but that’s fine by me. I like crazy sometimes (most of the time). I guess we’ll have to wait to see which of the well-rehearsed auditions prove to be just that. It’s all very well turning up to sing your favourite tune, having sung it over and over in your bedroom until it’s pitch perfect. However, without the versatility to totally rock something a bit more challenging, we’ll soon see a fair few of those early contenders duly kicked out. “Goodbye, come back next year, so we can patronize you even further for still needing to come on a talent show to prove you’re any good.”

Standard procedure in our house is, as soon as a contestant proves without doubt they have the most beautifully outstanding voice, my daughter declares them her husband, sister, or child…depending on gender and age. They can be pensioners, she’s not fussy. So far this series I’ve racked up at least four new son-in-laws, not to mention two more children and a grandson. This actually happens. Although, as the series progresses and all the good ones get knocked out to make way for the ones who make better telly (not), she’s usually reduced to shouting a very weak, “My husband!” at anyone who can just about sing in tune.

All I can say is X Factor would be really silly to try anything new and potentially damaging this year…because The Voice is coming…and there’s hardly enough elbow room for all these shows as it is.

I may change my mind come the end of the series, but for now I’m feeling contented. I confess I had a couple of glasses of wine beforehand and while writing this, so might look at it in the morning and think…wtf was I thinking! Also, it’s usually the live shows that send me a bit lala, what with all the drama and unnecessary footage of the judges waffling on to each other back stage etc. Such a waste of my time. I’m crossing my fingers they’ll be a touch more bold with the editing this year and cut out all the bits I personally hate. That would be much appreciated, thanks.