By Anna May

Can someone please explain to me how a resident of Albert Square can hear about a vacant property in the morning and be completely moved in within hours. Yes, it does take a whole day sometimes, I’ll give you that, but this constant game of musical houses bothers me so much.

Moving on…did I really witness Kathy, the boyfriend-nicking slag, bleating out her high and mighty views on the gossipy behaviour of the market traders? Sort your own life out, Kathy. Your so-called best mate has lost her boyfriend because you couldn’t keep your hands off his jellied eel and now poor Shirl’s been reduced to lying in bed, sniffing his fishy t-shirts for comfort. You did that, Kathy. Ya cah!

Poor old Dot, though. Having to suffer an interview to retain her job at the launderette. Even worse, Shirley and two-faced man-stealer, Kathy, further patronize her by suggesting a ‘dummy interview’, which is immediately taken as an insult by Dot. She’s practically a centenarian and the writers want us to believe she has no idea what a dummy interview means? So she has never heard the term ‘dummy run’ etc. and only younger, middle aged women have this knowledge? Oh please.

I like Dot, but she’s often played as such an idiot at times and, yes, it can be amusing, especially when she comes out with stuff like, “We used to have ever so much fun doing the Google.” However, I find the inference that those of the older generation are typically behind the times and a bit simple, a tad insulting…even if it is for laughs. If they want it to seem real, then make it so.

Also, if they were trying to highlight Dot’s reluctance to be drawn out of the past, by sticking two bendy clips in her hair and putting her in that quaintly quilted dressing gown, they failed…because I have a green one of those and I AM NOT OLD!

Good old Pam, there, compromising the case against Paul’s murderers by meeting up with one of their mums. They’ve pleaded guilty as a result, but is that the last of it? Surely not. But, if it is…why?

Here we go again with Babe. One minute she’s being turfed out of the Vic. The next, she’s being invited back after totally redeeming herself by telling Linda she opened the blackmailing account for their son, Ollie. Just stop it…just stop.

Still not sure if she’s going to go ahead with blackmailing Abi Branning for shutting her in the freezer. I’d bloody well pay Abi to do it again, if I could…properly this time! But, at least she’s paid the Cokers back their money now… so Billy and Honey can take over their funeral business and manage it into the ground. Because……Billy.

Is it just me, or is there a distinct lack of grudges being held at the moment? Each angry exchange seems to be rapidly followed by, “Sorry, didn’t mean it.” Doesn’t anyone get the proper ‘ump anymore?

What a shame Jane overheard Ian pressing Stacey to come to see her. Fancy her overhearing that…especially as Ian was literally shouting it down the phone a few inches away. Sigh. Oh, Ian, are you really going to keep reminding Stacey and Martin about the deposit money you handed over to them, in order to have them at your beck and call…after miraculously selling your precious car in ten seconds flat?

Oh, yes, the doof-doof moment when Jane was left sitting on the sofa by Ian, who announced he was going to put the kettle on. Gripping stuff, I grant you. I mean, was he really going out there JUST to put the kettle on…or was he going to make a sandwich too? Maybe he needed a quiet moment to himself to ponder the severity of the fortnightly bin collection. See, this is the sort of stuff that keeps me awake at night. It was tense.

You have to feel sorry for Jane, though, sitting there constantly dropping things so Ian can walk in and find her…having dropped them. I wonder what she’ll drop next. Although, at least we were afforded a more realistic view of Jane’s predicament recently, when she had a little ‘accident’ in the Vic. Bizarrely, this inspired Ian to wander into the chippy to ask BILLY OF ALL PEOPLE for probably the most personal, not to mention crucial, relationship advice on Earth! Oh, don’t even...

Let’s talk about The Wizard of Oz now, shall we? Did the writers really think the internetz would leave them alone after allowing Donna to be called a Munchkin by Carmel, for pointing out she looked like the Wicked Witch of the East when a curtain fell on her? Surely not. Personally, I didn’t find it funny…but that’s mostly because it wasn’t funny anyway. More of an ‘oh, duh’ moment for me, I’m afraid. It’s a pity they didn’t think to reference Dorothy instead and have Carmel cackle, “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too.” Mind you, they probably did, but felt drawing attention to Donna’s short stature would be far funnier and less offensive. Well played.

Oh, come on…Albert Square is about to be overrun with rats? “Hello…dark ages? Yes…we were wondering if you could give us some information on the Black Death. Yes...that’s right…because, unlike other places in the UK where bins are collected less frequently, Walford is about to become a festering mass of bin bags and bubonic plague. Oh...and can I just ask...what bins do nappies go in? Oh right...thanks then...bye.” For crying out loud!

Have to say, the in between bits about Kim and her non-existent driving licence did tickle me, but that’s mainly because I love Tameka Empson who plays her. I remember watching every single episode of Three Non Blondes and becoming completely smitten with all three girls involved, including Tameka. Yes, having her steal Donna’s disabled parking badge was a silly bit of nonsense, but her exchanges with Vincent and others over the whole situation proves how naturally funny she is. Plus, I don’t think any other Eastenders character, past or present, could deliver a line like, “It’s not as if she’s proper disabled, she can walk when she wants to.” For me, she is every bit the outspoken and tactless Kim the writers want us to cringe at, but with a hint of vulnerability mixed in. Also, playing alongside Diane Parish as her sister, Denise, helps a lot. Two brilliant actors, right there. My opinion anyway.

Hang on, though, Masood’s back? Why? Because he missed Carmel? NO NO NO! If I can’t have him, I want Denise to have him. This is all wrong.