A turbulent first week on Love Island as fragile relationships were frantically forged shortly before spectacularly falling apart at the seams.

After quickly copping off with Scott, Miss not-so-Great Britain Zara was promptly dumped the moment he set eyes on nubile newbie Kady.

Distraught over the end of a profound relationship that lasted a whole one day, the heartbroken beauty queen sobbed: “I don’t see what she has that I haven’t got?” A personality?

“Why does this keep happening to me?” she added. Dunno Zara, but it might be something to do with you mentioning you’re Miss GB about twice a minute. FYI… no one cares.

All the hunky himbos fancied curvy Kady. But it was Scott she wanted. So she was somewhat surprised when he rather spoiled their candlelit dinner date by randomly announcing that he didn’t trust her. That’s how to seduce a woman. Eat your heart out Casanova.

Fluent in the language of love, Scott snarled: “Our situation feels temporary. One of us is going to get swerved.” Yeah, mate, that would be you.

“Instead of thinking I’d like to kiss you,” squealed furious Kady. “I was thinking I’d like to punch you in the face.” It must be hate.

Suddenly, Scott was single. As was eternal solo boy Javi, who at least understood that to continue in this intellectually challenging competition you are required to have a partner. No girlfriend, no future. You get kicked out.

Oozing his trademark modesty, Mr Unpopularity declared: “I’m perfect in my eyes. I’m an awesome guy and an awesome catch.” None of the bikini babes seem to agree. Although pragmatic Zara’s considering teaming up with him just to survive. A hardnosed business arrangement.

Elsewhere in ITV2’s fabulously awful footballers’ wives-style Majorcan mansion, all wasn’t going well for nightmarish Essex duo Nathan and Cara.

When “oh my God” screamer Sophie likened them to an old married couple, burlesque dancer Cara revealed: “That’s because we don’t kiss and we don’t have sex.”

Unhappy with this unsatisfactory state of affairs, frustrated Nathan is ready to explode. Generously, Cara promises she will “help him out eventually”. But not at the moment.

Insecurity reigns at the horny house of horror. All 13 of the narcissistic residents are desperate to be desired. But they can’t all be lucky.

Especially Welsh body builder Tom who was less than thrilled when Geordie Sophie told him that her most recent romance was with a female.

“Are you bi?” enquired Tom. Sophie: “No.” Which didn’t gel with the blatantly obvious fact that she starts panting every time she sees tattooed Terry, a man.

Grasping at straws, crestfallen Tom insisted that’s because Terry is his spitting image. But he isn’t. The difference being… Terry’s really handsome and Tom’s not.

Talking of Terry, he too was playing musical chairs in the game of lust. After latching onto Olivia, the likely lad from Staines slyly switched his affections to Malin.

“It’s hard,” he sighed. “It’s hard, it’s so hard.” He was, of course, referring to the pervasive sense of awkwardness. Nevertheless, Malin looked pleased.

Meanwhile, the strikingly needy Olivia deluded herself she was the irresistible girl of everyone’s dreams. But in reality, Terry, Javi and Daniel had all lost interest. Realising she was unexpectedly at risk, Olivia burst into tears.

Moving on to fresh pastures, Daniel cornered the newly available Kady and whispered: “I’m probably going to have a few drinks, get a little bit p**sed and come on to you.”

Yep, there’s nothing a lady likes more than a drunk making advances. At this rate, it’s going to be quite a while before this lot get down to some serious bedroom action. But we can wait. There’s a long, hot summer ahead.