Urgh, sigh, hiss… Grunt Mitchell’s back and he’s trundling around Albert Square exhaling loudly like a man possessed.

One of the least believable aspects of unbelievable EastEnders is the way women are mesmerised by the magnetic allure of ape-like Grant and his appallingly thuggish alcoholic sibling Phil.

Both bald as a coot, the brothers grim exude all the charm of a charging rhino. Although they’re not as good looking. These gorilla-ish goons aren’t exactly giving Brad Pitt a run for his money.

But in the weird and unwonderful world of Walford the ladies just love the irresistible Mitchell boys. Especially, heartthrob Grant who has slept with 98 per cent of them.

Courtesy of Soapland’s always-busy long lost relative department, an amazing revelation from Sharon: “Before Michelle left for America she slept with Grant. Mark’s his son.” Stand by for another tedious new character… Mark Fowler Junior. I simply can wait.

Phil: “And when was you going to tell me?” When WERE you going to tell me, you semi-literate moron.

It transpired that Michelle’s night of passion with Grant was just the once. They were drunk. “They were arguing about me,” Sharon explained. “One thing led to another. You know she hated him.” So she shagged him. Makes a lot of sense.

Naturally, our lusty hero remains blissfully unaware that he’s the daddy. Gosh, won’t it be exciting when he finds out? No.

But Casanova Mitchell’s sensational sexploits didn’t end there. Cut to his tetchy reunion with Kathy, who so recently returned from beyond the grave after being dead for ten years. Grant: “Just because we had a one night stand once it doesn’t mean you can talk to me like we’re married.” Oh God… not again.

As his escalating tally of historic one night stands was gaining momentum, he lumbered over to see another of his many conquests, Jane. “You and me,” he growled. “It seems like only yesterday.” He was amazed, she’d hardly changed. Apart from the fact she was paralysed and in a wheelchair.

Meanwhile, Grant met busty Belinda in the Queen Vic and after a four-minute conversation took her back to her place for immediate sordid sex. He’s still got it!

Predictably, they were interrupted in midstream when Martin, Stacey, Kyle and the kids barged in. As Belinda re-dressed, Grant snarled: “Fanks for the memories.” Sophisticated, witty, stylish… he’s none of these things.

Every time a legendary character from the past returns to the Cockney fray it’s a disappointment. When Rickaay and Bianca rematerialised the space-alien writers had no idea what to do with them. Ever since her ludicrous comeback, spare-part Kathy has been wandering about with nothing to do. And it’s already crystal clear that bed-hopping Grant should have stayed in Portugal.

But in other news… great joy for Jack Branning after Ronnie proposed to him. Would he marry her? “Course I will, you dozy mare,” he replied. Yeah, it’s a no-brainer. Because baby-snatching murderer Ronnie is quite a catch.