Oh gosh! I wasn't expecting this. So I haven't prepared anything. It's an honour just to be here. Can I just thank everyone I've ever met.

Clogging up two laborious hours of BBC1 primetime, the boring Bafta Film Awards had it all...

The ridiculous actressy acceptance speech by Kate Winslet, the “don't call us racist we've got Sidney Poitier” moment... and the post-ceremony hissy fit from fragile host Stephen Fry that almost made the tedium worthwhile.

In my ideal world we'd stop treating luvvies patting each other on the back as entertainment.

But if we must endure these lumberingly long non events, the wry Mr Fry's observation that scruffy costume designer Jenny Beaven had come “dressed as a bag lady” is exactly the sort of amusing interlude we should encourage.

Apart from Leonardo DiCaprio's heroic mispronunciation of Tom Courtenay, it was the closest I got to laughing all night.

Stung by an army of pious PC warriors who were outraged by what is technically known as “a joke”, seething Stephen furiously quit Twitter. Again.

As a rule, it usually takes him about two weeks to return. Make a note in your diaries.