It’s Bear Grylls time. Let’s tick the boxes…

Unnecessary loud helicopter (check), shouty piece to camera (check), furrowed brow (check), dirt-stained face (check), pointless backwards parachute jump (check). Great. We’re good to go.

Welcome to series two of ITV’s minor star romp Mission Survive. Hovering at 10,000 feet for no apparent reason, macho Bear boomed: “Beneath me the celebrities are waiting on the ground and they have no idea what lies ahead.” Unless they watched the series one.

Appalled by her walking-on-rocks ordeal, Waterloo Road legend Chelsee Healey sighed: “I don’t know why the hell I’m doing this.” Call me cynical but I’d hazard a guess it’s got something to do with the pay cheque.

“It does scare me. Being an actress you have to be a survivor,” said Corrie’s former Rovers landlady Michelle Collins as if pulling pints in a pretend pub was good preparation for a gruelling 12 day endurance test in the wilds of South Africa.

Seven C-listers enduring the rigours of one of the world’s most inhospitable regions. All alone. Apart from Bear, his expert sidekicks Scott and Meg… and a camera crew.

It’s a bit contrived. Suddenly, our intrepid heroes stumbled across sacks full of everything they needed - sleeping bags, tarpaulins, cooking utensils etc. And as they froze with fear at the sinister sound of dangerous animals roaring nearby, it turned out it was Bear’s mates pumping up the volume on their tape recorder. Fail.

Anyway, following the tedious tent pitching challenge and the disappointingly dull rescue-line ravine crossing we got down to what this show’s really all about…

“Is that enough?” enquired likeable Man Behaving Badly Neil Morrissey after hosing about three pints of pee into a bottle. It was.

Later, when the going got tough, they were all required to wash down their delicious mopane worms with lashings of their own urine.

“I suppose I’ve had worse in my mouth,” conceded Dancing On Ice judge Jason Gardiner before rounding on giggling Grylls and snarling: “What is it about your obsession with piss?”

To which the great man replied: “It’s an obsession with staying alive.” And funny I’m A Celeb-style foul food footage has got nothing to do with it. Perish the thought.

As Jason fretted over his muddy hands and ex footballer Stuart Pearce struggled to conquer his terror of heights, Bear growled: “Everything we do is for a purpose.”

Which is to make a reality TV show. The opening salvo wasn’t spectacularly entertaining. We’ll need more drama than one slightly cut finger. But with five weeks still to go the action’s certain to pick up.

Meanwhile, farewell then first reject Chelsee. And best of luck to Mr Morrissey who declared: “If I win that would be right up there with two number ones as Bob the Builder.” You can do it Neil… yes you can!