Britain’s Got Talent: Last of the auditions. Here come the live semi finals

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Britain’s Got Talent: Last of the auditions. Here come the live semi finals

May 07, 2016 - 21:30
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Great excitement on Britain’s Got Talent as the Dark Lord gave a bunch of dancing Storm Troopers his Golden Buzzer royal seal of approval.

Britain's Got Talent

Great excitement on Britain’s Got Talent as the Dark Lord gave a bunch of dancing Storm Troopers his Golden Buzzer royal seal of approval.

And there was me thinking they were a load of crap. After boring Boogie Storm waddled their way through such toe tapping pop classics as Sax, Single Ladies and – yawn - Gangnam Style, old Cowell was mysteriously thrilled. God knows why. They were so average.

Presumably, Simon was just trying to lift another uneventful night that was flatter than Norfolk. Before he went wildly over the top about the Star Wars dullards he sighed: “This show is actually making me mad.” Know the feeling.

“I am Davros, the arch enemy of Doctor Who,” said some tool sitting in a dustbin on wheels. Cowell: “What’s your real name?” Davros: “Paul.” Naturally, he was through to the next round.

As was a weirdo in a kilt gyrating around the stage with a giant polar bear. Alesha: “Absolutely no.” Simon: “Absolutely yes.” Three yeses.

Listening to the gushing judges you’d have thought that the snappily named The Garnett Family - a musical mother and her three warbling daughters - were the second coming. They were fine. But nothing special.

After enduring the rigours of single parenthood, Helen Garnett revealed: “I’m now happily remarried to the most amazing man I’ve ever met.” Alf?

Unsurprisingly, West End singer Rachael Wooding wasn’t bad. But better still… she was a mum and she thought this was a matter of great interest. She was wrong. But four big fat yeses.

Personally, I preferred oddball German foot puppeteer Anna Klinge. Not a dry eye in the house as her Teutonic tootsies got married. Don’t ask.

Meanwhile, a relentless procession of mediocrity, David Walliams thinking he’s funnier than he actually is and Amanda Holden leaping to her feet to give standing ovations every five minutes.

In other words, predictable business as usual. Perfectly watchable passable entertainment. But a tad forgettable. I wasn’t expecting that. Actually, I was.

There are 10 Comments

joanne☆'s picture

I think you're right that it is watchable and forgettable. Don't think the storm troopers were worthy of the golden buzzer but who knows what goes on in Mr Cowell's head! Looking forward to next week...

Anna May's picture

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people wasting my time and Britain’s Got Talent doesn’t help matters. Unless I’ve recorded it and can zip through the adverts, already that’s a large proportion of viewing time I’ll never get back. Then there are the constant ‘impromptu’ chats between the judges. I mean, tonight for instance, there they were waiting about in some random place and David Walliams says to Simon, “I don’t know what you’re waiting for.” So Simon responds with, “Something special. I know when something special’s gonna happen.” Really? What a totally pointless conversation to have on camera! Of course he knows when something special’s gonna happen, because that footage was probably taken after the special thing he said he was waiting for, which was what? Stormtroopers? Don’t…just don’t.

See, the trouble with Britain’s Got Talent and its sister company, X-Factor, is we all know the judges’ little chats, spats and playful jokes are hammed up for the cameras. We also know the judges know we know. We also know the judges know we know they know. Do you see what I mean? There is NO point in showing it all to us. None! Even some of the conversations between contestants are woefully banal and awkward to watch. Stop showing me this stuff!

I’m also wondering if members of the live audience are constantly being shown pictures of people watching the show at home. No? Then why are we subjected to countless wasted minutes focused on people we don’t care about, who are lucky enough to be watching the entire show without being fobbed off with shots of either the judges or the audience gasping, laughing, booing or just sitting there doing absolutely nothing at all? It’s a novel idea, but how about letting us see what’s on the stage for more than five seconds at a time? What is the actual point of panning to anything else at all except what is on that stage? To waste my bloody time, that’s what!

So, why do I still watch it? I watch it because I’m genuinely interested in seeing the acts and, yes, there were a few promising performances tonight, but they were sadly undermined by all the fannying about elsewhere. I have to admit, before I watch BGT, I usually gather up supplies like knitting, crosswords, jigsaw puzzles and one or ten alcoholic beverages. I soon forget I’m even watching TV and only bother looking up when an audition is about to begin.

I would love to give a more thorough review of this show, but it really would be a waste of my time to sift through the bare bones of it. The Ghostbusters van was a nice touch and kick-started my daughter into shouting repeatedly, “That is the BEST!”, but it lasted all of one minute and Britain’s Got Talent soon reverted to just another example of ‘TV to knit jumpers to’.

Can’t wait for ITV to get its hands on The Voice. I have a 5000 piece jigsaw that’s just begging to be done.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

I completely agree with Anna on this one. Cowell says "I'm just waiting for something special to happen" and three minutes later something allegedly special happens. Just fancy that. So many people just seem to have BGT on in the background, like an old ritual you've lost interest in.

Anna May's picture

I was half-way through walking my dog one evening and, as I stopped to cross the road, I thought to myself...I can't remember Britain's Got Talent finishing. I returned home to find my daughter had paused it for me...just before a set of adverts. She means well.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

I'm really enjoying your reviews and would like to put them on Twitter and Facebook. Are you on either or both? Can you email me your details to I'm also going to start a review of the week.

coxella's picture

Some irritants: Pointless shots of the judges arriving, banal conversations between judges, David jesting with Simon, Amanda's cackle laugh, Alesha's cackle laugh, shots of the audience gasping/pointing/pulling confused faces, Ant and Dec larking about, taking ages for the fourth 'yes' to be said, back stories, advert breaks, the last contestant always being put through. the cartwheeler in EVERY dance troupe....I could go on but I don't want to appear grumpy. Like Anna May above, I find something to do whilst its on as I get so bored, the kids love it otherwise I really wouldn't bother, also the 8 pm start is a bummer as by the time its all over half the night is gone.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Another fine review by LouiseG...

I'll confess that I don't usually watch BGT - it clashes with Casualty. But what with Charlie Fairhead and his gang being shoved off air for Eurotrash, options were limited.

Over on ITV, it's fair to say very, very little has changed. 

Simon Cowell's charcoal grey Marks & Spencer pullover is still alive and well, pout trout Amanda Holden is STILL on heat, David Walliams is still as camp as a row of glamping tents, producers still think average dance troupes are interesting (admittedly one did use drones), and the best talent is NOT British. More of Canary Island's hottie pole dancer later. Hopefully a picture too.

Unfunny street cleaner Michael was buzzed off stage, housewife Veema was told by David she sounds like a goat and there was a mildly handsome chap naked Justin who caught David's very much heterosexual eye.

Ten-year-old dancer Chloe from Liverpooooool ticked the child "star" box. So excited was Simon that he compared her to the Duracell bunny he had as a child. Not the sort you get from Ann Summers, I trust/hope/beg.

There was even a Sinitta lookalike - Morgan from Watford - with her rendition of Jennifer Hudson's Spotlight. Only it was crap but obvs Simon wanted to give her a second chance, you know, to make good telly and that. 

Second time around, Morgan got four yeses. Standard.

The show was brightened by golden oldie Robert - and 84-year-old keyboard player. He didn't half go on, mind. 

And of course there was Saulo, the man Amorous Amanda described as Tarzan. David took a fancy to him too, but I don't blame him for that one, and he got through to the semi finals for his troubles.

No BGT episode ever, in ten years, would be complete without that tear-jerker. This week it came courtesy of mother and daughter duo Ana and Fia who had endured some pretty horrific domestic abuse. They performed a rendition of Barbra Streisand's Tell Him.

Apparently they blew the judges away (I'm saying nothing) and they might make the final - good luck to them.

Then there's Topaz. Tony and Patsy met at college. Tony thought Patsy was a bit of alright. I assume she wasn't dressed in the same hideously frumpy sequin table cloth she wore in front of Si et al.

A century on and they attempt a duet of Ellie Goulding's beautifully romantic hit, How Long Will I Love You. Whilst the audience and the judging panel rightly thought it was as impressive as Paz's said table cloth, it was clearly some sort of aphrodisiac for Tone and Pat, for they partook in something their generation would describe as very heavy petting. Even Declan Donnelly got a bit queezie and ordered them to get a room. Good Lord, I hope they don't have children.

On that note I'm going back to Holby next Saturday. Connie and Jacob's romance issues are far more compelling, and far, far less grim.

Bobalice24's picture

The BGT audition phase shuffled off to an unmemorable finale tonight. So many boxes to tick; A slightly amusing older person with even slighter talent who bafflingly received a standing ovation, Johnny, check! Some street dancers, some super athletic basketballers, an acrobat who jumped in a bath before he jumped onto his show rope leaving gay/straight (who knows?) David Walliams all of a quiver, pretty ladies stunning everyone with an 'operatic' version of an Ed sheeran tune.
So far so predictable until Danny Beard turned up looking like a cross between Noel Edmonds and Grace Jones. At last something a bit more original except for his song choice, Sweet Transvesite! Really! Could do better. But at least he had some charisma .
Then we had an average but amusing magician and a slightly creepy mother and son duo. Where have all these odd family acts sprung up from this year? Better than dancing dogs I suppose.
Well we are into the live shows and all of the judges (with no help from the producers) handpicked the acts which will be gracing our screens again next week.
Dont forget as you are casting your votes, viewers that the wining act will be performing in front of the Royal family! You heard it here first

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

Submitted by mansellmum on Sun, 22/05/2016 - 12:24

Always find this episode completely unnecessary, they quickly squashed the last remaining auditions in and then we have to watch them standing there apparently arguing (or even caring) over who they are putting through. Then we have the joy of watching some poor people as their dream crumbles in front of our eyes. Must be awful when you are gathered to face the judges and you look around you and remember the acts around you were crap, you are so going home! Let's see what the long week ahead brings, very cleverly arranged as usual so we can watch Corrie and ITV will keep hold of their viewers long enough to see the results.