Celebrity MasterChef… the competition continues. And Gregg Wallace asks superannuated boy bander Simon Webbe: “We met before on Strictly. The question is are you going to last longer cooking than I did dancing?” Answer: No.

Poor Gregg. Still in denial about why he was the first out of Strictly’s class of 2014. Yes, his two left feet were a factor. But the Beeb’s ballroom blitz is a popularity contest. If you’re not popular you get your marching orders PDQ. Hence Wallace’s extremely speedy departure.

In fairness, TV’s all-minor-star culinary contest is a purer affair. There are no gastronomic equivalents of ballroom disasters John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe, the comedy contestants the public voted to keep week after hilarious week. Crap cooks get the chop no matter who they are.

And so it was that “cordon” Blue boy Simon’s tasteless Caribbean feast did for him at the earliest possible opportunity. Accompanied by a few cream crackers, his meagre meal looked like cat sick three ways.

Star of the show was former England captain Neil Back, a surprisingly excellent dab hand in the kitchen. As was broadcasting clergyman Richard Coles who announced: “I’m going to pimp my ride, I believe the expression is. I’m going to pimp my dishes.” Good tactic. It worked.

Thrilled with his successful stint at an Asian restaurant, the former member of 80s chartbusters The Communards added: “I’m obviously going to install a wok station in my vicarage. That’s the next big thing.” Witty and not bad with a saucepan.

Meanwhile, ex EastEnder Laila Morse delivered an endearing performance and some decent food. Despite bizarrely sprinkling carrot tops all over her prawn cocktail the likeable actress sailed through to the next round.

Inevitably, there was more of the same from familiar hosts Wallace and Torode. Gurning Gregg pulling weird faces, asking inane questions (“Why MasterChef?”) and bellowing units of time. Dishevelled Aussie John effortlessly establishing his superior expertise. He’s the one worth listening to.

Last but not least one time Sugarbabe Amelle Berrabah just made the cut. The singer’s Moroccan cuisine was a disappointment. But she survived, thanks in no small part to the woeful Mr Webbe.

“I’ve learned a lot about myself,” he sighed. And what would that be, Simon? That you can’t cook? Never mind, on to the next reality show…