What to watch and review on October 10 and 11.
Can’t Touch This (BBC1, 4.45pm) A special episode featuring the “highlights” of Zoe Ball’s flop game show. Plus footage from an unseen pilot show. Is the Beeb serious? This tedious rubbish was a disaster. Give it up. And don’t assail us with a second series.
Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1, 6.45pm) It’s Movie Night as the minor celebrities dance to Hollywood’s best known theme tunes. Exciting. Wonder if any of them will try Jaws? Warning, this marathon ballroom session goes on for two hours and five minutes. Longer than an epic film. How are you liking the series so far?
The X Factor (ITV, 8pm) Woohoo! It’s the first live shows as the 12 wannabes who survived the absurdly drawn-out selection process sing for their lives. And a chance to hear dad-dancing host Dermot O’Leary say: “People of Britain, the weekend starts here.” No it doesn’t. It started an hour and quarter ago when Strictly hit the screen.
Newzoids (ITV, 10pm) Your golden opportunity to review the breathtakingly unfunny satirical puppet show which also boasts the worst mimicry of all time. Even worse than Morgana Robinson’s. Can you guess who any of the impressions are supposed to be? Damned if I can.
The Jonathan Ross Show (ITV, 10.30pm) Wossy’s guests are Strictly judge Darcey Bussell and comics Jack Whitehall and Alan Carr. Plus a musical slot by top pop combo Years& Years. This is rumoured to be the last ever series. Is it time ITV put it to sleep?
Strictly Come Dancing: The Results (BBC1, 7.15pm) After last week’s fiasco the burning question is: will there actually be a dance-off? Fingers crossed. But for one crestfallen contestant Movie Night won’t have a happy ending. For whom does the bell toll? Former cha cha Chancellor Ed Balls? Tune in and find out.
The X Factor (ITV, 8pm) Which of the godawful wannabes will be the first to return to the obscurity for which they were designed? Will the farce of Honey G and Brattavio carry on regardless? Why is Louis Walsh back in the room? These and other unimportant questions will be answered tonight. We can hardly wait.
Victoria (ITV, 9pm) The final episode of a triumphant series that replaced Poldark as the nation’s favourite Sunday night drama. The heavily pregnant monarch tries hard to maintain her independence but is unsettled by a threat to her life. Meanwhile, she continues to clash with her strong-minded husband Albert.
Poldark (BBC1, 9pm) In a brief break from his round-the-clock galloping along the cliff tops in his three-cornered hat, Captain Ross offers financial help to cash-strapped Elizabeth. But the topless tin miner isn’t exactly rolling in it himself. And when George calls in his debt he too is plunged into crisis.
Celebrity Island With Bear Grylls (Channel 4, 9pm) In the final episode of TV’s C-list hunger games starving selfie queen Karen Danczuk organises a hunting party to catch a crocodile. Killing innocent creatures as a form of TV entertainment. Isn’t that special? No.
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