Sir Chris Hoy- 200mph At Le Mans (And Making Latte Coffee)

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Sir Chris Hoy- 200mph At Le Mans (And Making Latte Coffee)

October 10, 2016 - 11:20
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Retired track cyclist Sir Chris Hoy swaps two wheels for four to pursue his boyhood dream of competing in the world's toughest endurance motor race, the Le Mans 24 Hours.

Sir Chris Hoy

By Lwynog45

Retired track cyclist Sir Chris Hoy swaps two wheels for four to pursue his boyhood dream of competing in the world's toughest endurance motor race, the Le Mans 24 Hours.

All right for some isn’t it!

The first thing that you notice in this hour long egotistical joy ride is Chris Hoy’s home. How did he get a house like that? Didn’t he go round and round on a pedal bike in a supposedly amateur sport? He’s got a footballer’s house, (and a footballer’s wife) I’m convinced of it. I was half expecting to see Ryan Giggs's cheeky face pop out from behind the 'natural' Christmas Tree, or see Wayne Rooney's ridiculous face slide across those immaculate ‘real wood’ kitchen worktops. We are introduced to Chris at home, and the cleaner has made a good job before the cameras arrive. The place is spotless, and kind of clinical. A bit like Chris. He’s obviously a good guy. He plays with the baby, takes the baby out of the cot, he loves the baby, and he’s obviously a great husband, because he takes off the fairy from the top of the Christmas Tree. He’s either the perfect husband, or just slightly taller than his wife.

His wife looks suitably flustered, to give that 'I'm a busy working mum' vibe. The nanny is nowhere to be seen. Lazy bitch.

To illustrate Chris’s perfectionist streak, we see him making a latte coffee, with one of those very expensive coffee machines found in trendy lefty politicians homes in West London. “When I get into something, I really get into it, and give it 100%”.

He’s talking about making a coffee. I get mine out of jar, but I’m not a winner like Sir Chris Hoy.

“You want to be roughly 28 seconds to make a 60ml pour”.

It’s coffee Chris, just a cup of coffee. Either he’s a perfectionist, an arse hole or has obsessive compulsive disorder. Perhaps all three.

He does however show his human side when he announces “I’m not going to measure the coffee”. At this point he stuffs up the coffee, which is a disastrous moment in a winners life. “I’m going to get a lot of stick for that”. By whom I wonder, is he sponsored by Starbucks? Probably.

He visits studious sports psychologist Steve Peters at his country retreat, the man who helped him gain the mental prowess to win gold after gold. He’s not there to get any great advice on driving a sports car very quickly, or the psychology of a racing driver but more to gloat at his house, and his furnishings which aren't half as tasteful as Chris’s! Sir Chris has taste, and does everything really well, except make coffee and drive cars very quickly.

We see Chris moan a lot, we see Chris get his arse moulded to create a comfy seat for that winning bottom. We see Chris learning to brake with his left foot (Gosh!), and we see Chris driving. He drives a lot. He crashes a lot.
We see Chris in pain, poor chap. “It’s OK I don’t need a medic, I need a physio”. Not that much pain then Chris.

The team Chris was originally supposed to drive for go bust just months before the big race, so he’s lumbered with a second rate team that have never entered the Le Mans 24 hours before. Poor Chris. The 'star' of this show however is new team manager Stewart. A bad tempered giant of a man who swears a lot. “You’ve buggered the tyres Chris”. “Are you going to tell Chris that the tyres are cold?” “No, not until he’s back on the track!” “Fuck him, I know what I’m talking about”. He doesn’t seem to know what he’s talking about. Chris doesn’t want to be seen swearing. He’s a good guy, a nice guy, a very tedious guy.

The racy bits are quite good, we see Chris and team mates take turns in seeing who can drive a car late at night in the rain asleep and not die. Chris is a winner, a born winner. Chris has high expectations about winning, he knows how to deal with the pressure, and he knows how to handle the mental strain.

They come eighteenth in the end.

This is the Spinal Tap of racing documentaries. Back to the drawing board Chris, and your lovely house, perfect wife and pampered baby. On yer bike Chris.