The Jump: the D-List Winter Olympics

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The Jump: the D-List Winter Olympics

February 07, 2017 - 11:57
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Over in Kuhtai, 'Austriaaaa!" as Davina McCall kept calling it, another series of The Jump began.  It's amazing that it got another series considering the long list of injuries last year.

Channel 4 denies that Sir Bradley Wiggins is leaving The Jump

By Caroline Dowse @toongirl83

Over in Kuhtai, 'Austriaaaa!" as Davina McCall kept calling it, another series of The Jump began. It's amazing that it got another series considering the long list of injuries last year, or that anyone would want to do it, but I guess it just goes to show that some celebs will do anything for airtime and the chance to show off their injuries in a double page spread in Hello.

There's quite a sporty feel to the line up this year, with the likes of Gareth Thomas, Jason Robinson, Jade Jones, Kadeena Cox, and Robbie Fowler competing. There are also the usual reality no-marks like Spencer Matthews, Josie Gibson and Amy Willerton (replacing an already injured Vogue Williams) and a wildcard choice in Emma Parker Bowles, a journalist and Camilla's niece. The biggest name though is Sir Bradley Wiggins. When asked by Shouty Davina why he was doing it, he replied: "Just to piss off the Daily Mail, really." And probably the money. I reckon that helps too.

This week's event was the parallel slalom, and considering most of the celebs had little to no skiing experience - with the exception of poshos Spencer and Emma - they all came through it relatively unscathed. Even Robbie Fowler, who looks like he's been on the Steve Bruce diet since he retired. With his stomach straining his lycra body suit, somehow he managed to beat Paralympian Kadeena Cox, to the surprise of her and most of the viewers. The only person to come a cropper during any of the races was Jason Robinson, who clipped a gate, lost a ski and ended up on his backside to the delight of his opponent Gareth Thomas.

And so we came to the jump itself. The losers faced a jump off to stay in the competition and all was going well until Josie Gibson's turn. Josie, who sounds like a female Ian Holloway, had been talking herself up in the VT before her race. "I'm gonna carve her up like a turkey," she claimed of her opponent, which didn't sound particularly menacing in her thick Bristolian accent. She lost and the colour drained from her face when she realised she was facing the jump. When it came down to it, she suffered an attack of nerves and couldn't jump, so she was eliminated. With no time to get her down to talk to Davina, poor old Josie was left at the top of the ski jump while the closing credits rolled, looking crestfallen while the other celebs celebrated surviving to next week.

As for who will win that ridiculous cow bell, nobody really cares. Most people only watch this show to see if the celebs hurt themselves. Although I am sneakily hoping that Robbie Fowler will win - just because it would piss off Sir Wiggo, really.

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By Tellysgonewrong @Tellysgonewrong

“You must be gutted.” Said Davina to Bradley – sorry – SIR Bradley Wiggins as he explained that a non-weight bearing bone in one of his legs had suffered a minor stable fracture.
“Well, it’s only The Jump.” Said Sir Brad, keeping it very much in mind that he was currently enjoying the sort of complimentary all-inclusive winter break that most of us would have to sell a kidney to experience.
Davina’s earpiece exploded with the sound of voices from the control room shouting various instructions and directions. This coupled with the oompah band and the yodelling must have made her feel as if she had just put her head inside a spin drier full of cutlery and, for a split second, she simply stood with one eye half closed and looked as if she needed a Nurofen. Consummate professional that she is, Davina just laughed that Davina laugh, you know, the one that’s too loud and goes on too long and she puts her face right up against the camera and looks as if blood’s going to start coming out of her eyes. “Ha-ha-haaaa! Whaddaya mean, ‘it’s only The Jump’?” Silence fell.
Bradley clarified, possibly at gunpoint, that whilst he had had the best time of his life, life, let’s face it, goes on and he would wish the other contenders well in the rest of the show and he would love the chance to do it again. Someone, somewhere put the safety catch back on the Walther PPK and the oompah band started up again. Trouble is, the bloody yodelling recommenced and the cow bells started ringing and everybody put their false smiles back on and pretended to be having a right-old apres-skiing good laugh. The only thing that was missing was Stacey Solomon. Ah, there she is.
Honestly, what is the point of this programme? Unlike the BBC, ITV can cover the cost of anything by selling advertising during their shows so, largely, they can do whatever they like and pay whomsoever they wish to go anywhere they fancy. But, as I tried to explain to my Alsatian the other evening for reasons far too unpalatable to go into here, just because you CAN do something, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to. I mean, I’d like to bet that if, for instance, you paid them enough hard cash, you could get any of the stars of Gogglebox to stand in a bucket full of scrambled egg while Chris Akabusi sang ‘Wondering Star’ whilst dressed as Lobster. I could make this happen. And if I couldn’t Richard Osman probably could and he’d sell it to Endemol Television. But, come on, WHY?
The Jump is typical of the sort of show that programme makers THINK we want to see. It’s a format that, they imagine, simply cannot fail. If it doesn’t remind you of your recent skiing holiday then it fills you with anticipation about your impending skiing holiday and if you’re not having a skiing holiday it will comfort you as you aspire to a skiing holiday and, if you don’t ‘do’ skiing holidays then you can look at celebrities from Made in Chelsea eating and drinking with Olympians, and ex rugby internationals throwing snowballs at glamour models, and soap stars and former footballers having some ‘bantz’, and Davina ‘bantzing’ away with everyone in earshot, which actually means everyone in the north western hemisphere, and if this doesn’t appeal there’s always Stacey Sodding Solomon, what more do you want? Eh?!
I can’t work out if The Jump was actually pitched to ITV executives by several graduates as a new concept in entertainment, in which case they were simply shown the door at which point one of them blurted out ‘Davina’s agreed to do it’ and contracts were signed. Or weather Davina’s agent just turned up one day and told the production company that his client had a 6 week skiing holiday every year and needed something to do on the Sundays so they’d better adapt some old celebrity talent show format. Either way it’s clear that the assumption is that, as long as Ms McCall is involved you can pretty much televise a celebrity knitting competition and viewers will tune-in in their droves. In fact, give it a fortnight and there they’ll be; Binky Felsted, Gemma Collins, Alan Shearer and Geoff Boycott all going clickety-clack with their knitting needles as Stacey Solomon uncorks vintage Krug and chucks Faberge eggs into the sea.
It’ll be called The Jumper.