Eastenders: Where true romance goes to die

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Eastenders: Where true romance goes to die

October 26, 2017 - 16:04
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By Anna May @AnnaMayMight

Don’t you just love how Jane can be scared to death of Max one minute, as he tries to leave her for dead in a burning restaurant…then be sitting next to him in a hospital corridor, having a right go at him about what a nonce he is and how she’ll do whatever she wants, regardless of his threats to hurt, even murder, everyone she loves…and her…again!

Even after Max tells her not to breathe a word to anyone about why she has to break up with Ian and leave Albert Square, she immediately leaves Ian an answerphone message telling him something’s very wrong…and insists that HE does not breathe a word about her call!

So, what does Ian go and do? Well…he decides the most trustworthy person in his life right now is MAX! Of course! Max hears the message and wastes no time in phoning Jane to threaten her into keeping her trap shut again. But this is death-wish Jane we're talking about. Yes, Jane, who has no sense of self-preservation whatsoever...and is straight on the phone to Stacey to try to warn HER about Max.

Oh no...what a shame, but how convenient, that one of Karen Taylor’s lot, Riley, has nicked Stacey’s phone and given it to his sister, Bernadette. Obviously, Jane’s cry for help is now locked behind the security code on Stacey’s phone…and it doesn’t seem like Bernadette is going to be giving it back any time soon. That all-important message. When will it surface? Will it be too late? So exciting!

Meanwhile, Max is having random pockets of guilt over his actions. He’s been dumped on Carmel so he can have access to sealed bids, the details of which are stored in shared files on Carmel’s work laptop. She can’t wait to let him ‘secretly’ peruse them while she pretends not to be looking. Will he carry on ruining everyone’s lives, by seeking revenge on all who helped send him to jail? He’s helping Willmott-Brown and his bickering kids, Luke and Fi, so he and Fi can benefit from loads of money and run off into the sunset somewhere with it. Turns out, though, she’s only with Max so Willmott-Brown can have what he wants. It’s all just one big nightmare! Where’s a runaway bus when you need it, eh?

Also, when will Max find out his daughter, Abi, is pregnant by Steven…the guy whose death he caused. That is, if she even IS pregnant. She’s pretty reluctant to tell Jay and Ben about the baby and seems rather miffed when Donna goes ahead and tells them herself. Did she initially intend to use that terrible fake pregnancy test in an effort to trap Steven…and now, being the nut-job she is, has decided she still quite likes the idea of having Steven’s baby? She was extremely obsessed with him, after all. So what better way to hold on to her dreams of marrying and having a family with him, than to imagine she’s carrying his baby for the rest of her life? No better way, surely.

Talking of Max, AGAIN…how the Hell is he able to get in and out of Fi’s car right in the middle of the Square without at least one person seeing him! They sit in the car, in broad daylight, chatting for ages, then he gets out, in full view of any passers-by. Don’t…just don’t.

Donna and Robbie, though. Now, that could be a very amusing coupling. It’s on the cards…and, although he seems strangely unable to talk above a whisper anymore, Robbie is a perfect match for Donna and her witty banter.

Meanwhile, Kathy looks after little Louie for Lauren, because, in true Tommy Cooper style, Lauren is suddenly working again within seconds of asking for her old job back (think about it). What a bizarre scene we are treated to. A baby, sitting on the floor behind the counter of a greasy spoon. Hot fat flying, pots and pans above his head. Excellent! Thankfully, she takes the boy to Granddad Ian’s for the day instead. Phew! I mean…if Carmel had seen that!

Carmel’s been too busy trying to make amends for her previous actions, however. Yes, not only has she cleaned Stacey and Martin’s house from top to bottom to make it all nice for their return from hospital, she’s baked them a lovely big cake. Who else expected Stacey to smack it into her face as soon as she gave it to her? I have to say, I did. But, no. She simply brushes Carmel off as irrelevant and wanders inside with said cake, opens the bin and tips it in. Very indicative of her feelings at present, I guess.

What else happens? Oh yes, Luke buys the Car Lot from Jay. Hands over an envelope stuffed with cash in the middle of the Square as a sweetener, feeds him a few lines about how hard it is to start up a new business, etc. and, hey presto, Jay phones Luke later and says…okay it’s yours. I did NOT see THAT coming!

Hang on, though! Where’s Tom? It seems a quick call from the Police has stopped him in his tracks. So Michelle can’t wait to drag Sharon across the Square to prove his obvious absence from that particular area of the world during the two minutes they spent skipping about in it. Yay! Tom’s nowhere to be seen!

Oh, Michelle, Michelle…I bet you’re really glad you got the chance to squeeze your fingers around his neck and push him up against a wall, IN FRONT OF WITNESSES, before he disappeared…hmmm? Maybe Tom’s just a little busy right now…telling the Police about this threatening behaviour and insisting it is Michelle who is a few bricks short of a shithouse…and not him.

Poor Shakil wants to impress Bex on her birthday by buying her red, sexy, lacy knickers. Not the best idea, as he’s told by…well…everyone. Gullible mum, Carmel has some words of wisdom, though. “Many a potential relationship has been ruined by a card from the garage and a hasty bunch of chrysanths,” she advises. To be fair, that sort of behaviour has ended a fair few as well…ahem. That said, Carmel would be the ideal woman for Ted…seeing as he was eager to share similar advice with Keanu earlier.

First of all, after seeing Keanu with a handful of money, trigger-happy Ted, WHO RECENTLY SHOT SOMEONE, asks him who he’s nicked it off. Then, good old law-abiding Ted…not afraid to tell it like it is…informs him that going all out to pamper a woman to make her feel special is how it’s done…and follows it up with, "See, the wrong sort of feminist would say that that was sexist, so you don't want one of them, you want someone with a bit of class.”

Wise words, Ted, wise words. Now, remember to wear a crash helmet outside at all times from now on.