EastEnders: Let's talk about Denise. No, let's talk about the whole bleedin' lot of 'em!

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EastEnders: Let's talk about Denise. No, let's talk about the whole bleedin' lot of 'em!

September 19, 2016 - 16:48
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Now I am fully up-to-date with everything, I cannot deny I’m a little smug at having predicted Denise’s pregnancy by Phil, because nobody else in the whole wide world would have seen THAT coming.

EastEnders: Denise and Carmel

By Anna May

So…I didn’t have access to EastEnders for just over a month. No, I wasn’t put in a straitjacket and imprisoned in a padded cell for several weeks, due to regular bouts of nice thoughts about The X Factor.

However, it did mean I had to set myself the lonely task of binge-watching hours upon hours of Cockney punch-ups, piss-ups and bunk-ups.

Now I am fully up-to-date with everything, I cannot deny I’m a little smug at having predicted Denise’s pregnancy by Phil, because nobody else in the whole wide world would have seen THAT coming. Just me. They did try to trick us into thinking it was Kush’s by having her suddenly begin fainting and feeling sick, because those symptoms usually start very early in pregnancy. Yes…and, before all the mothers who are sick later in pregnancy or even all the way through start having a go…YES I KNOW THAT HAPPENS AS WELL! But…it usually starts early on, not at nearly twenty weeks.

Well, having found out so late means she’s less likely to have an abortion. Also, after the telling off she gave her daughter, Libby, for the same decision, she really couldn’t justify it for herself…could she? The thing is, she’s now talking about putting the baby up for adoption. So in comes Kim with the perfect solution that she and Vincent adopt the baby and bring it up as their own.

So now we have poor old Donna yearning for a baby with step-brother, Vincent, about to be told there’s actually one going begging, but she can’t have that one because Kim’s having it instead. Really? Oh come on…if the dates are right, just wrap it up and give it to Donna for Christmas.

Then, while Phil’s grunting his way through the festivities, he can ‘somehow’ find out he’s the father and steam into the Vic, courtesy of a life-changing chunk of Ben’s liver, and break everyone’s legs.

Bizarrely, Denise tries to explain the result of her drunken one night stand with, “I thought we’d taken precautions!” Don’t…just don’t. I’m sorry, but no matter how steeped in alcohol you are, there is nothing more inconvenient than having to fight your way into a condom packet and fiddle about with the slippery contents before you can carry on fiddling about with each other. You would remember if you had done this! Believe me…I’ve been…told. Ahem.

Poor Sharon, though. What will she do? Only a few days ago she was sitting in the pub with Grant, telling him how aborting his kid proves the lengths she’ll go to to protect a child from him. Bloody Hell, Sharon…what? No, it’s Watts. What? Watts! Oh never mind. Anyway…funny how she was flouncing about a few weeks earlier, telling Jane she was tempted to shag him when he tried for a full on snog with her.

Well…never mind, Sharon, because Phil’s happily churning out kids behind your back to readdress the balance. Plus, once his new and improved offal rejuvenates him back into the studly hunk of fanny magnet we all know and love, he’ll be making up for lost time by mounting all your friends, so just think on that.

Talking of Grant, has he suddenly become the master of delayed reactions? Honestly! He gets a call from his daughter telling him there are men in the house threatening the family and he’s just standing there talking to her. It’s a mobile phone, Grant, you can walk about with it…even run…to a car…to get there as soon as you can! What do you think this is, Grant, Eastenders?! Oh wait…

Even then, he asks Aunt Sal to move out of the way and she refuses until he tells her what’s going on! Just crawl over her, Grant! Your daughter is in danger!

While we’re on the subject of Aunt Sal…when’s she going to ask that crucial question we’re all longing to hear, eh? “Shall I take me nighty off?” Come on…I really need that in my life right now.

Back to Grant. When he finally gets to Phil’s, he infects the rest of the family with his new found indifference, because none of them seem capable of moving their arms and legs in the general direction of where Ben and Jay are about to be bludgeoned to death.

Already on the edge of my seat, I was vulnerable. Yes, when Phil was gurning about on the floor and Grant reached out to hold his hand…I cried. This is what happens when there’s nobody in the room to slap me about a bit and shout, “This is not real like Star Trek…it is NOT REAL!”

I soon came to my senses, though, as Grant finally gets into the car with Mark to go and save Ben and Jay. By this time, I’m looking at my watch through tear-smeared glasses (oh shaddap), wondering what the bleddy feck’s going on, while they sit having a few minutes of banter about Mark’s mum, Michelle, and end it with a light-hearted chuckle before casually pulling away. For crying out loud!

Ten years later, Ben is saved and they all leave Jay locked in the villains’ van…who, I might add, are possibly the four most muppetiest muppets you could ever imagine. As they all stare into the van like dumb idiots, I’m thinking…hmmm…out of work boy band. Then they just run away as soon as they see Grant and Mark. Anti-climax, or what. Leaving Jay in the back of the van for the Police to find? Nah…Ben wouldn’t have done that.

The murderers are caught. Hurrahs all round! Except their victim, Paul, is due to be buried and the whole of Walford is crying their eyes out. Instant downer. Again, Pam’s goodbye kiss for her grandson got to me. A very sad scene indeed. Then she surprises us all with, “I think we both need Christine.” Les’s eyes light up at once. Bring it on, Les…er…I mean Christine. I’m sooo ready for this!

Let’s not forget about the Babe situation. I really thought she was dead in that freezer. To be honest, I’d hoped that would be the end of the whole stupid saga. I wanted her to be caught out and punished, but just killing her off would have saved us from having to, again, endure even more of the nastiness and lies that people just keep believing. Even the shrewdest of characters are repainted time and time again as being as thick as shit…and it just kills me to have to grit my teeth through it all. A few errors of judgement here and there, fair enough…but ugh! I’m bored with it.

Now, can we talk about Courtney and Mark. All I can say is Eastenders must have had a temp in that day, because I cannot believe they shied away from Courtney getting pregnant by her brother! Dayam! This shocking oversight is surely not attributed to someone, somewhere shaking their head and saying, “No, that’s going too far.” I must have missed something. She MUST be pregnant. She HAS to come back from Portugal twenty years later with two baldy twins called Phil and Grant Fowler. I'll probably be dead by then, but if I can just hold on to that one hope…I’ll be fine…things will be okay.

Incidentally, did you see Ian’s glasses take on a life of their own and save themselves, by immediately flying off at high speed as Grant punched him to the floor for not telling him Mark was his son? Contrast this with Ben’s glasses, sticking with their owner and remaining completely loyal, intact and scratch-free, in spite of all the right-handers and scrapes across sharp gravel they endured. Come on now…they’d have been completely battered to bits. So that part was a bit made up, I reckon.

Lastly…what’s all this going on with Patrick and Claudette? Patette? Claudick? I can’t quite decide. Also, why does she dress like a zebra? I notice these things. I wonder if anyone else does. I might mention it to my nurse when she comes in later to tighten my buckles…um…I mean…oh…

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Anna May's picture

My God, it comes to something when a change in bin collecting days takes priority in every single character’s dialogue. Les has enough on his plate, what with Pam insisting he ‘does’ Christine, without all the stress of having to put his rubbish out less often.

Even Lauren has no idea what bin her nappies go in. She’s actually had that baby for a year now. Also, she’s helping to look after Jane, who’s very possibly got a few disposables of her own to be dealt with. Where the Hell is she stuffing it all? It must stink in that house! Plus, what a strange outburst about bins and bleach to have at Whitney, who must have been wondering where that unexpected stream of diatribe came from all of a sudden.

Probably not, though, because she was too busy nearly moving herself and Lee out of the Square after her brother, Ryan, turned up with the offer of taking them both to Wakefield, along with Linda’s precious unborn grandchild. Never mind, though. After a few minutes of minor aggravation, carefully slotted between random scenes of aptly recycled conversations about the bins, they’re not going. So yeah…that happened...didn't happen...whatever.

So, now we have to wait for Sonia to go away and have that baby! I’ll miss her, but I won’t miss the situation she’d been written into. I hated all of it.

Not sure I quite believe Shirley’s silence as Sonia slagged her off in front of everyone at the market. Not sure I quite believe she hasn’t found out about Buster and Kathy either. How funny was it that Ian thought it was Grant on the CCTV clip before Kathy pushed the camera away to avoid being seen in full snog with the gorgeous Buster. If only the Eastenders camera crew could do the same for us, because I’m really getting bored with these two. Their affair was very nearly gripping stuff, but now it’s just been left to dribble into the gaps when not much is happening.

Let’s face it, not much is happening. Sonia’s gone, Grant’s gone, Courtney’s gone, Mark Fowler Jr’s gone, Jay’s gone, Andy’s gone, Paul’s dead, Phil’s nearly dead and Bobby’s not murdering anyone. At least Whitney and Lee aren’t leaving after their two minutes of thinking about it.

What’s left? Denise and her baldy foetus.

Come on…let’s have Christine and Pam in the Vic, waiting for Babe to come in so Pam can punch her under a table. I think she deserves that…and so do we!

Anna May's picture

What a surprise. As Les tells his staff, including Billy, he and Pam are selling the family funeral shop, Billy decides to recite a speech about how he understands their plight, Paul’s death…blahblahblah. All the extras-cum-gravediggers sit quietly as he melts the Cokers’ hearts. Oh please.

They need to sell because Babe’s blackmailed them dry of their savings and, AT LAST, someone decides to bully Babe into paying it all back. Linda’s on her case now, but I reckon Babe’s still going to try to get out of it. Only Christine can save them now!

Then Kathy tries to tell Ian she’s leaving Walford, so he chooses that particular conversation to tell her how much he’s appreciated her help over the years. Instant guilt trip. Didn’t see that coming. So she tries to tell Ben and soon realizes she doesn’t want to leave her family behind to set up yet another new life with Buster, away from all the excitement of death, depression, monthly maniacal murders and the general squalor that is Albert Square. For crying out loud, Kathy! Run! Run as fast as you can! Honestly.

Great! One minute Buster and Kathy are about to be caught out and exposed as the most underwhelming perpetrators of a sordid affair in history. The next, Mick has a go at Buster a couple of times so he leaves…on his own. Meh.

Shirley’s too busy with Phil, who’s fallen over in a supposedly drunken stupor, to notice. As Buster drives away in his fish finger van after getting his knock-back from Kathy, we can all heave a sigh of relief. No more secret snogging in broad daylight where anyone at all can see them if they just look out of their windows or simply walk past them to the Vic. No. We are spared…at last.

However, Phil did spot them having one of their forbidden geriatric groping sessions once. Is it time for him to spill the beans to Shirley now Buster’s legged it? You know, the next thing will be Phil and Shirley locking lips in a rampant shower scene. Go on, just keep punishing me with Phil and his gurning sex face. I’ve seen worse. Actually, no, I don’t think I have…and I’ve seen some awful things!

It’s looking a bit better for Denise, though, as she tells Kim she doesn’t want her to adopt her unborn baby. What are we to think now? Is she going to keep it…or not? The mystery of it all is killing me, but I’ll try to hold it together. Sigh.

Although, now Masood’s leaving as well, which is not great for me, because I’ve come to quite fancy him of late…so thanks for that, Eastenders. Really helpful.