Now I am fully up-to-date with everything, I cannot deny I’m a little smug at having predicted Denise’s pregnancy by Phil, because nobody else in the whole wide world would have seen THAT coming.
By Anna May
So…I didn’t have access to EastEnders for just over a month. No, I wasn’t put in a straitjacket and imprisoned in a padded cell for several weeks, due to regular bouts of nice thoughts about The X Factor.
However, it did mean I had to set myself the lonely task of binge-watching hours upon hours of Cockney punch-ups, piss-ups and bunk-ups.
Now I am fully up-to-date with everything, I cannot deny I’m a little smug at having predicted Denise’s pregnancy by Phil, because nobody else in the whole wide world would have seen THAT coming. Just me. They did try to trick us into thinking it was Kush’s by having her suddenly begin fainting and feeling sick, because those symptoms usually start very early in pregnancy. Yes…and, before all the mothers who are sick later in pregnancy or even all the way through start having a go…YES I KNOW THAT HAPPENS AS WELL! But…it usually starts early on, not at nearly twenty weeks.
Well, having found out so late means she’s less likely to have an abortion. Also, after the telling off she gave her daughter, Libby, for the same decision, she really couldn’t justify it for herself…could she? The thing is, she’s now talking about putting the baby up for adoption. So in comes Kim with the perfect solution that she and Vincent adopt the baby and bring it up as their own.
So now we have poor old Donna yearning for a baby with step-brother, Vincent, about to be told there’s actually one going begging, but she can’t have that one because Kim’s having it instead. Really? Oh come on…if the dates are right, just wrap it up and give it to Donna for Christmas.
Then, while Phil’s grunting his way through the festivities, he can ‘somehow’ find out he’s the father and steam into the Vic, courtesy of a life-changing chunk of Ben’s liver, and break everyone’s legs.
Bizarrely, Denise tries to explain the result of her drunken one night stand with, “I thought we’d taken precautions!” Don’t…just don’t. I’m sorry, but no matter how steeped in alcohol you are, there is nothing more inconvenient than having to fight your way into a condom packet and fiddle about with the slippery contents before you can carry on fiddling about with each other. You would remember if you had done this! Believe me…I’ve been…told. Ahem.
Poor Sharon, though. What will she do? Only a few days ago she was sitting in the pub with Grant, telling him how aborting his kid proves the lengths she’ll go to to protect a child from him. Bloody Hell, Sharon…what? No, it’s Watts. What? Watts! Oh never mind. Anyway…funny how she was flouncing about a few weeks earlier, telling Jane she was tempted to shag him when he tried for a full on snog with her.
Well…never mind, Sharon, because Phil’s happily churning out kids behind your back to readdress the balance. Plus, once his new and improved offal rejuvenates him back into the studly hunk of fanny magnet we all know and love, he’ll be making up for lost time by mounting all your friends, so just think on that.
Talking of Grant, has he suddenly become the master of delayed reactions? Honestly! He gets a call from his daughter telling him there are men in the house threatening the family and he’s just standing there talking to her. It’s a mobile phone, Grant, you can walk about with it…even run…to a car…to get there as soon as you can! What do you think this is, Grant, Eastenders?! Oh wait…
Even then, he asks Aunt Sal to move out of the way and she refuses until he tells her what’s going on! Just crawl over her, Grant! Your daughter is in danger!
While we’re on the subject of Aunt Sal…when’s she going to ask that crucial question we’re all longing to hear, eh? “Shall I take me nighty off?” Come on…I really need that in my life right now.
Back to Grant. When he finally gets to Phil’s, he infects the rest of the family with his new found indifference, because none of them seem capable of moving their arms and legs in the general direction of where Ben and Jay are about to be bludgeoned to death.
Already on the edge of my seat, I was vulnerable. Yes, when Phil was gurning about on the floor and Grant reached out to hold his hand…I cried. This is what happens when there’s nobody in the room to slap me about a bit and shout, “This is not real like Star Trek…it is NOT REAL!”
I soon came to my senses, though, as Grant finally gets into the car with Mark to go and save Ben and Jay. By this time, I’m looking at my watch through tear-smeared glasses (oh shaddap), wondering what the bleddy feck’s going on, while they sit having a few minutes of banter about Mark’s mum, Michelle, and end it with a light-hearted chuckle before casually pulling away. For crying out loud!
Ten years later, Ben is saved and they all leave Jay locked in the villains’ van…who, I might add, are possibly the four most muppetiest muppets you could ever imagine. As they all stare into the van like dumb idiots, I’m thinking…hmmm…out of work boy band. Then they just run away as soon as they see Grant and Mark. Anti-climax, or what. Leaving Jay in the back of the van for the Police to find? Nah…Ben wouldn’t have done that.
The murderers are caught. Hurrahs all round! Except their victim, Paul, is due to be buried and the whole of Walford is crying their eyes out. Instant downer. Again, Pam’s goodbye kiss for her grandson got to me. A very sad scene indeed. Then she surprises us all with, “I think we both need Christine.” Les’s eyes light up at once. Bring it on, Les…er…I mean Christine. I’m sooo ready for this!
Let’s not forget about the Babe situation. I really thought she was dead in that freezer. To be honest, I’d hoped that would be the end of the whole stupid saga. I wanted her to be caught out and punished, but just killing her off would have saved us from having to, again, endure even more of the nastiness and lies that people just keep believing. Even the shrewdest of characters are repainted time and time again as being as thick as shit…and it just kills me to have to grit my teeth through it all. A few errors of judgement here and there, fair enough…but ugh! I’m bored with it.
Now, can we talk about Courtney and Mark. All I can say is Eastenders must have had a temp in that day, because I cannot believe they shied away from Courtney getting pregnant by her brother! Dayam! This shocking oversight is surely not attributed to someone, somewhere shaking their head and saying, “No, that’s going too far.” I must have missed something. She MUST be pregnant. She HAS to come back from Portugal twenty years later with two baldy twins called Phil and Grant Fowler. I'll probably be dead by then, but if I can just hold on to that one hope…I’ll be fine…things will be okay.
Incidentally, did you see Ian’s glasses take on a life of their own and save themselves, by immediately flying off at high speed as Grant punched him to the floor for not telling him Mark was his son? Contrast this with Ben’s glasses, sticking with their owner and remaining completely loyal, intact and scratch-free, in spite of all the right-handers and scrapes across sharp gravel they endured. Come on now…they’d have been completely battered to bits. So that part was a bit made up, I reckon.
Lastly…what’s all this going on with Patrick and Claudette? Patette? Claudick? I can’t quite decide. Also, why does she dress like a zebra? I notice these things. I wonder if anyone else does. I might mention it to my nurse when she comes in later to tighten my buckles…um…I mean…oh…