EastEnders: Here comes Woody, the little boy from Blue

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EastEnders: Here comes Woody, the little boy from Blue

April 21, 2017 - 17:12
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Introducing a new character to a soap is an imagination-free process. Hence the constant invasion of long lost relatives, hated estranged mothers, deadbeat dads and sudden siblings they never knew they had.

Whitney and Woody

Introducing a new character to a soap is an imagination-free process. Hence the constant invasion of long lost relatives, hated estranged mothers, deadbeat dads and sudden siblings they never knew they had.

So full marks to the top team at EastEnders for coming up with an innovatively implausible way for boy band bozo Lee Ryan to enter Albert Square stage left. On a seriously slow motorbike travelling at the maximum Walford speed limit of four miles per hour. And then announcing that AWOL Linda had hired him as the Queen Vic’s new manager. Even though she and her similarly absent husband Mick haven’t got a penny. Go figure.

The hunky new arrival’s name is Woody, presumably a reference to his acting. But boy did the writers gift him with some dazzling dialogue… right from his very first blockbuster line: “We’ve got chicken wings, pigs in blankets and oriental delights.” It went downhill from there.

Sadly, just as the Woodmeister was about to make his mark, the ceiling fell down upstairs plunging pampered pooch Lady Di into a harrowing life or death struggle. Upstaged by a dog. That’s why you should never work with children or animals.

Now it’s going to cost eight grand to cure the Carters’ beloved bulldog of pneumonia and they’re all sobbing because they can’t afford it. Not surprising when the loony landlady has seen fit to employ a bar boss they don’t need.

For mysterious reasons that will no doubt be revealed in the coming gripping weeks, surly Shirley doesn’t like Woody. But his job deal includes accommodation in the 845 room Tardis-like pub, so she’s going to have to put up with him.

For even more mysterious reasons, Shirley’s prison sentence simply fizzled out. The hatchet-faced harridan was allowed out to attend her mum Sylvie’s funeral (the sparsely attended ceremony that emotionally incontinent Tina took three years to organise) and then just sashayed back to the Vic as if jail was an optional thing. Unbelievable. Literally.

But in all fairness, we wish Woody well. I mean, anything’s better than being in Blue. Even Celebrity Big Brother, on which Mr Ryan made frightful fool of himself. The only housemate ever to fail to grasp the concept of being filmed 24/7 by a shedload of hidden cameras, he kept whispering sweet nothings and flitting between women in the deluded belief that no one would notice. Apart from the five million viewers, he was spot on. And now he’s joined the mass ranks of the morons in London E20. He should fit in nicely.

On the romantic front, Wooden – sorry, Woody – is likely to be a bit of a player. A ladies’ man charmer whose first target will probably be poor dim Whitney. Recently separated from weird liar Lee, Whit’s policy on sex is simple: just say yes. Her ludicrous love life always ends in tears… but she keeps on trying. In fact, she’s very trying.

But we mustn’t pour too much scorn on the latest scintillating developments. Anything that detracts from the world’s most depressing teenager Bex is to be encouraged. If you’ve been affected by her epically long bullying story… you must have an extremely high boredom threshold. Make it stop. No one cares anymore.

Talking of storylines no one cares about, great to see odd couple Kush and Denise getting it together. Every allegedly passionate scene is excruciating. Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn have more chemistry than this chronically ill-matched pair of planks.

In other earth-shattering news… dwarf Donna is moving in with murderer Ben and paedophile Jay. Lucky her. And cradle snatching alcoholic Michelle is hanging around like a bad smell. Considering all the trauma she’s been through I’m surprised she hasn’t lost her head. You know, the new one she returned with after setting off for America to seduce schoolboys.