EastEnders. Doom, death and not a hint of realism

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EastEnders. Doom, death and not a hint of realism

July 20, 2016 - 13:04
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Have you ever lost a loved one? Upon being told of the tragedy did you try to punch your father and then smash the front door down? Thought not.

Ben goes beserk

Have you ever lost a loved one? Upon being told of the tragedy did you try to punch your father and then smash the front door down? Thought not.

But after learning that Paul “hairband” Coker was a goner that’s exactly the bizarre way Ben Mitchell reacted. No one knows why.

Elsewhere in Albert Square’s vale of tears, Pam “Birdy” Coker screamed blue murder at surly Shirley for having the temerity to sympathetically inform her that her grandson was lying on a slab. Very realistic.

And back-from-beyond-the-grave Kathy Beale vowed never to bonk pop-up fishmonger Buster again in case another of her sons died while she was at it. Makes a lot of sense.

Throughout it all, panting Phil Mitchell was huffing and puffing like a doughnut on an aqualung. “Phwoor, hurrgh, aargh… that is not my son,” he wheezed as the hospital staff apologised for showing him the wrong stiff.

Whether the Beeb’s desperate producers will apologise for their pathetic little trick remains to be seen. Mistaken identity? No, just a mistake.

Back to its depressing worst, EastEnders was all over the place as Paul’s sad story was kept from the audience in an infuriatingly amateurish manner. Why was there no natural curiosity from anyone about what actually happened? Because then the space-alien script writers would have to tell us and they wouldn’t be able to drag it out for weeks.

Despite the deliberate obfuscation, it looks as if Ben and Paul were subjected to some sort of homophobic attack. Whatever occurred, it’s a safe bet they weren’t beaten up by boring Stacey’s transgender brother Kyle. That would be way too interesting.

No, I predict it’s a hate-crime that did for poor Paul. Maybe it was Billy Mitchell. After all, his thoroughly unmodern response to Les’ cross-dressing was rather less-than-tolerant. Called him “a pervert”. Watch this space.

Or was it Dot Branning? She’s killed before. So has Ronnie Mitchell. So, come to think of it, has Ben. Did he bump off his mate? Just remembered, caged psycho kid Bobby Beale might have escaped and could also be in the frame. So the moral is… don’t go to weird and un-wonderful Walford. Nearly everyone’s a killer. Ludicrous.

Not forgetting, of course, mad Max Branning. He promised to exact revenge on Ian Beale for letting him take the rap for Bobby offing Lucy. What better way to get his own back than by murdering Ian’s half-brother’s boyfriend?

Anyway, as Pam finally decided to act like a sentient adult and accept that Paul was gone, Ben decided to act like a demented child and unravelled in unintentionally comic fashion. Naturally, like all soap over-actors do in moments of grief he made strange roaring noises. So glad this guy's still with us. He’s one of the funniest Ben Mitchells ever.

United in relief with his old enemy Ian, air-brake sound-alike Phil sighed: “When did we get so old and useless?” About 20 years ago, since you ask.

Now stand by for Paul’s good old-fashioned Cock-er-nee funeral. Followed by the heart-breaking demise of his transvestite undertaker grandad Les. Say what you like about the Coker family, but when it comes to drumming up business, they go the extra mile.