Coronation Street: Welcome to Weatherfield's weird daytime parties

Time to read
3 minutes
Read so far

Coronation Street: Welcome to Weatherfield's weird daytime parties

June 02, 2017 - 18:58
Posted in:
0 reader reviews
Average: 3.5 (2 votes)
Rate this programme

Those blockbuster Corrie specials. The non-story so far. Nick didn’t drown. Ken didn’t get killed. Daniel didn’t get punished. And Weatherfield’s weirdos didn’t get the memo about when to hold a party.

Bethany and Nathan

Those blockbuster Corrie specials. The non-story so far. Nick didn’t drown. Ken didn’t get killed. Daniel didn’t get punished. And Weatherfield’s weirdos didn’t get the memo about when to hold a party.

Straight after 90 long minutes of Britain’s Got Talent (make it stop!), the Street came at us at 9pm every night with action-packed half hour episodes designed to keep millions of enthralled fans glued to the screen. Did it work? You decide.

Didn’t they have a lovely time the day they went to the seaside? Er… no. In the excursion from hell, former prostitute Leanne joined a selection of the millions of men she’s bonked on a trip to the beach. Along for the ride were her ex husbands Peter Barlow and Nick Tilsley. Not forgetting one of the few blokes she hasn’t married, Steve McDonald. Although, gurning Steve is the father of her baby.

Furrow-browed Nick, of course, has been desperately trying to revive his rancid relationship with Leanne. But he’s so jealous of Pete and Steve it just isn’t panning out. After a spot of pushing and shoreline shoving with violent yob Barlow, Nick skulked off and got stuck ankle deep in the quicksand. While Peter shouted at him, a bunch of lifeguards pulled him out of the water. That’s it. Low drama at its least compelling.

Meanwhile, we now know who didn’t kill Ken Barlow. It was desperate Daniel who, in another unsensational development, didn’t murder his mother. After Ken discovered the not particularly shocking truth, undead mum Denise turned up and Dan went into meltdown. Lots of overacting as he gasped and sighed in the bathroom with a Stanley knife in his hand. Did he slit his wrists? Take a wild guess. That’s right, it’s another no. Do you see a pattern emerging? Everything was coming to nothing.

It transpired that Daniel blamed “bully” Ken for Sinead’s abortion. Don’t ask. When Soapland’s laughably incompetent Keystone Cops arrested Dan he was ready to make a full confession. Until Ken explained to Detective Sergeant Useless that he would lie in court to get his dangerous son off the hook. What a nail-biting conclusion. Edge of your seat stuff.

Meanwhile, back on the cobblestones, pint-sized Kev threw a surprise birthday bash for Anna. She’s reached the mental age of three. One of life’s mysteries… why do these strange people throw parties in the daytime? Everyone was there though, and the wild revelry went on late into the afternoon.

Same deal over at nasty Nathan’s tanning salon come knocking shop as his seedy sex social unfolded in broad daylight. This odd timing became apparent when he popped outside to stub his cigarette out on Bethany’s arm. Then she returned to his flat and disappeared into the bedroom with a cluster of three evil men.

But in the nick of time the police arrived and arrested Nathan on suspicion of causing sexual exploitation of a child. What child? Bethany’s 16, a legal adult and over the age of consent. World’s worst pimp Nathan spent months grooming the Platt family’s latest teen temptress to occasionally farm her out to panting bozos for a few quid. Not exactly big business. Paper boys make more money. So apart from prurience, it’s hard to see what this depressing nonsense is all about. It’s as implausible as it is sordid.

But back to Nick as he staged one of those classic TV farewells, just climbing into his Mercedes and driving off into the sunset. Bravely leaving behind the 80 square yards where he has spent the past 36 years. As far as lusty Leanne and gormless Gail were concerned, he might as well have been going to Mars. “I’ve been happy,” he sighed, “I’ve done well.” Thanks, Nick, nought out of two ain’t bad.

It was all too much for notorious drunk Peter who announced: “I think I’m going to go to a meeting later.” What’s that then? A meeting of the Alcoholic Pub Landlords’ Association? Yes, in a move that doctors would undoubtedly recommend, boozy Barlow is poised to take over the Rovers – the 1970s-style local that time forgot. Cheers! What could possibly go wrong?