Celebrity MasterChef: So long Sinitta - gone but already forgotten

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Celebrity MasterChef: So long Sinitta - gone but already forgotten

June 24, 2016 - 17:42
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Whenever grizzled veteran Sinitta pitches up on a reality show it seems like she’s been on it before. She’s done so many! I’m A Celeb, Dancing On Ice, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Cirque de Celebrite, Get Your Act Together… the list goes on.

Sinitta served up uncooked meat

Whenever grizzled veteran Sinitta pitches up on a reality show it seems like she’s been on it before. She’s done so many! I’m A Celeb, Dancing On Ice, Hit Me Baby One More Time, Cirque de Celebrite, Get Your Act Together… the list goes on.

Say what you like about trash telly’s top warhorse, but she’s made one hit song (So Macho) and being a friend of Simon Cowell go a remarkably long way. From tiny acorns a mighty small career did grow…

So the only surprise as Sinitta turned her talents to cooking was that this was her first appearance on the Beeb’s ancient favourite Celebrity MasterChef. Quite why she bothered remains a mystery. She was beyond hopeless.

Raw mince in a raw aubergine slathered in feta cheese and balsamic vinegar. Unwashed squid salad complete with guts. Just two of the delightful dishes that consigned the crestfallen singer to culinary history.

“I’m going to pretend like I know what I’m doing,” vowed Sinitta shortly before she was kicked out for not knowing what the hell she was doing. In fairness, her rubbish rivals were pretty dreadful too. But she was a gastronomic disaster.

Anyway, all aboard for a same again series as all-too-familiar hosts John Torode and Gregg Wallace present the television equivalent of comfort food. Not very exciting… but strangely reassuring. Like a warm slice of living nostalgia.

But what a line up! Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Jennifer Lawrence, Tom Hiddleston, Taylor Swift, Rhianna... just a few of the superstars who are conspicuous by their absence. Instead, we’ve got Marcus Butler, David Harper, Neil Back, Amelle Berrabah. Alexis Conran and Gleb Savchenko. All household names … in their own houses. Cirque de Non-entite.

In fairness, there’s also former TOWIE girl Amy Childs, a couple of ex EastEnders (Sid Owen and Laila Morse), retired boxer Audley Harrison, Tommy Cannon of Cannon & Ball… and the legendary “little” Jimmy Osmond. People we’ve vaguely heard of. Which is unusual for this programme.

Nothing ever changes. Dishevelled Aussie John Torode shouting “Let’s cook!” and really knowing his stuff. Gurning Gregg Wallace bellowing units of time – “Two minutes! You’ve got two minutes” – while failing to establish the nature of his expertise. He can eat. Er… that’s it.

“What about a kebab, Donna?” he asked Donna Air. Mockney geezer Gregg’s idea of a blatantly pre-prepared joke. Cue the fake smile and then the fake laugh. And a lot of forced face-pulling. He’s an odd guy. And extremely bald.

Geordie Donna hopes that improving her skills in the kitchen will allow her to have “more than six friends to dinner”. Who knew she had more than six friends?

In the opening salvo of 12 episodes, world unfamous Marcus Butler served up more raw meat. Mr Cannon burned an upside down Lancashire hotpot. Rock off Tommy. And Sinitta’s catastrophic cod and water soup broke new ground in tastelessness. Naturally, her weird beef and spinach mousse burger was dangerously underdone.

As always, the wannabes did their stints in professional restaurants. And, of course, they all dutifully announced how much they’d enjoyed the experience despite the intense pressure. You know the drill.

After Gregg and John quite rightly sent her packing, Sinitta sighed: “I’m feeling proud of myself that I took on the challenge.” And failed.

Sorry to see so the old dear go so early. But at least it gives her plenty of time to get her application in for Strictly. If not, there’s always the annual embarrassment of her excruciating X Factor moment. We simply can wait…

There is 1 Comment

Llwynog45's picture

A load of w***. Why do they go to posh hotels and arrange food on a plate so soon? No one cares . Sinita couldn't even burn toast well.

Nannies everywhere must be screaming "F*** off, I cook all your kids meals, and do the school run". Sick of self publicity celebs! You're not lined up to appear are you Kev??