Celebrity Big Brother. Nonentities, showmances and money, money, money

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Celebrity Big Brother. Nonentities, showmances and money, money, money

August 14, 2016 - 11:37
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If only the rules allowed the housemates to have calculators, Celebrity Big Brother sweethearts Lewis Bore and Marnie Simper could work out how much they’ll make from their embarrassing showmance.

CBB: Marni and Lewis

If only the rules allowed the housemates to have calculators, Celebrity Big Brother sweethearts Lewis Bore and Marnie Simper could work out how much they’ll make from their embarrassing showmance.

It’s all about the money, money, money. And when the couple from hell emerge from Channel 5’s TV bear-pit, the magazine deals will reap them a fortune. And don’t they know it. Ker-ching!

“I love her so much,” lied underclass warrior Lewis as his very public displays of theatrical affection with Geordie Shore sophisticate Marnie became less and less convincing.

Also, keen to cash in on this extraordinarily low-rent series, that Bear idiot will soon be reunited with the godawful Chloe Mafia and her northern powerhouse bazooka boobs. And rest assured the dismal duo will be charging high prices to drone on about their rancid pretend love story.

It’s all so drearily predictable. Which is probably why contemptuous host Emma Willis made her feelings perfectly clear in that uncomfortably tetchy eviction interview with reject Chloe.

Meanwhile, stunned by the fact the public chose to keep human being James Whale and kick out one of the young farm animals, Marnie insisted that the Bloor and Bear brigade were “really nice people”.

Yeah, really nice people who have spent two tawdry weeks behaving like the scum of the earth. Which I’ve found hysterically funny. But a lot of long-term fans have been utterly appalled by.

This is a new kind of CBB plumbing previously unexplored depths. Bear’s not a celebrity, he’s a roofer. Lewis was briefly on TOWIE but isn’t anymore. And no one has ever heard of the ludicrous Heavy D.

The American contingent are also complete unknowns. And former Page Three girl Sam Fox’s fame is purely historical. When Chloe got her Zeppelins out, topless legend Sam sobbed: “It wasn’t like this in my day.” You couldn’t make it up. This bizarre programme is a star-free zone.

But here’s the thing. It’s the type of car crash TV that is utterly compelling. Or should that be trailer trash TV? Night after gutter-trawling night irate viewers insist on Twitter that they will never tune in again. And then they do. Boom!

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Ruby's picture

The whole house now want him gone and listening to the baying mob who turn up at every eviction then a lot of the viewing public want the same but what show have Channel 5 got left if he ever departs.

This year the production team decided to build a show around complete unknowns apart from the ever available Biggins and the 80s glamour model Sam Fox.

They must have known how unpredictable Bear would be and probably banked on him creating more than his fair share of the usual controversial headlines but now it's a case of them creating a monster that they know not what to do with.

Biggins was booted out early on for a joke that was never broadcast. If it wasn't heard by the public then how could it offend the public. Since that time Bear has constantly done far far worse and yet daily receives gently wrist slapping while he shows no respect for the rules of the game he signed up to play.

The problem Channel 5 have is that if they boot him out like they surely should have done after he destroyed the set and plastered the floors with coffee and eggs, then they have no show of any interest to anyone. The golden rule of CBB is, after all, any publicity is good publicity.

The house is packed with quiet and normal people for once with one complete madman let loose. Get rid of the madman and you are left watching a train station waiting room. It remains riveting viewing despite all this but whether I will tune in to watch Ricky chatting to James about what he fancies for tea is a whole other matter.