Celebrity Big Brother. Let the fireworks begin

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Celebrity Big Brother. Let the fireworks begin

August 01, 2016 - 17:12
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The game is on, as always the viewers are wondering who most of the contestants are… and the early irritants are staking their claim to temporary fame.

Celebrity Big Brother

The game is on, as always the viewers are wondering who most of the contestants are… and the early irritants are staking their claim to temporary fame.

Welcome to Celebrity Big Brother’s house of horror where someone called Heavy D was delighted to achieve immunity from eviction.

“Boom!” he boomed. “Bang. Wallop. Get in there.” What a vocabulary. What an interesting conversationalist.

Meanwhile, some old New York broad named Renee was boasting about her expertise at oral sex and Loose Woman Saira Khan was busy trying to get Stephen “The Bear” Bear to admit he was an aggressive thug.

“Have you ever punched anyone and been violent?” she enquired. Bear: “What are you? The police?”

Later, this lead to an argument in which Ex On The Beach superstar Bear and his manly cohorts Heavy and TOWIE relic Lewis Bloor accused Sarah of conspiring to show her fellow housemates in a bad light. They had a point.

“You’re trying to trick me into making me look bad,” stormed Bear. Saira: “I don’t think you need me to look bad.” She had a point.

This dim-witted dispute proved to be an excellent development. Because Saira headed straight for the diary room and treated us to the first serious sobbing session. Better, still she delivered the first reality TV cliché. “I’m out of my comfort zone with these people,” she wept. Ah, that old favourite the comfort zone. What would we do without it?

As the house began to divide along generational lines, Saira also clashed with Geordie Shore sophisticate Marnie Simpson, who felt The Apprentice’s original runner-up was turning all of her saucy statements on their head in a deliberate bid to discredit her.

Encouraged by Bear, Marnie approached Saira full of contrition. “I just want to say sorry,” she said. “But do you think we had our big confrontation because I have better boobs than you?” And with that she got them out and waggled them in Saira’s face. A classy moment.

“I think so,” sighed Saira, by now finally learning not to rise to the bait. But James Whale was furious. “Marnie, that is uncalled for!” he fumed. James, mate, she’s a Geordie Shore girl… it’s what she does.

In other news, ludicrous Americans Frankie Grande and Aubrey O’Day started referring to themselves as “hashtag Fraubrey”. And Biggins found out that everyone knew he was the not-so-secret boss of the house. Thank God that tedious little ruse is over. It bored for Britain.

Meanwhile, deep space northerner Chloe Mafia insisted: “The tabloids and me have a love hate relationship.” As in she loves to be in them and they hate to bother with a former X Factor loser that everyone’s forgotten.

Talking of X Factor losers everyone’s forgotten, good to be reminded that Katie Waissel’s grandmother was Britain’s oldest working prostitute. A source of great pride to the family, I’m sure.

As far as I can work out, Mr Anthea Turner – aka Grant Bovine – has yet to actually say anything. And EastEnders reject Ricky Norwood and legendary Page Three stunner Sam Fox are also struggling to make their mark.

Quite why mob-woman Renee was excused standing in a phone box “for medical reasons” remains a mystery. But she’s clearly a fiery character who shows promise.

Anyway, all of the bust-ups have been disappointingly minor so far. But it’s early doors and with the best part of four weeks still to go, this lot have the potential to spectacularly implode. After the traditionally genial initial stage, the atmosphere is definitely souring. Let’s hope it gets dramatically worse. Boom!

There are 2 Comments

PhilipStar's picture

I don't need to mention it, Stars Friday night. Are the audience royal enough to stick with Celebrity Big Brother over a great sporting even?. Time will tell. Not really sure if having Celebrity Big Brother on the same time as the Olympics is the best of ideas. But I may be wrong. Time will tell.

Kevin O'Sullivan's picture

"Stars" Friday night? Are the audience "royal" enough? Better keep an eye on that auto-correct... it's making a nonsense of your posts. My advice is read before you press send.