BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT: The X Factor's little cousin is back!

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BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT: The X Factor's little cousin is back!

April 16, 2017 - 18:02
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It doesn't feel like a year ago since Britain's Got Talent was last on our screens with it's tiresome tidal wave of tedious so called talent parading on stage for the scrutiny of the viewing public.

Amanda Holden

By Andy Simon @AndySimon55

It doesn't feel like a year ago since Britain's Got Talent was last on our screens with it's tiresome tidal wave of tedious so called talent parading on stage for the scrutiny of the viewing public.

It's hard to believe this dreadfully starved of talent talent show has indeed been going for ten years. In my opinion, ten years has been more than enough time to scour the country for talent.

But have we really found any? A few nuggets of gold; perhaps.

And yet; here we are again at the start of season eleven and the search for Britain's best talent begins once more.


The new series started with the delusional grandeur and razzmatazz, as Cowell, Holden, Dixon and Walliams, made their usual, "Arrival of the Gods", over-the-top, appearance.

And then came the auditionees, and true to form; it all went downhill from then on.

First up; Ned Woodman, an eight year old stand-up comedian, during his rather unfunny and unimpressive routine called BGT Judge Amanda Holden a Dog. Not exactly the best way to launch your Stand-Up Comic career me thinks.

Then we had robotic dancer PC Plod, aka Dan Graham, who quite frankly danced like a total plonker, or more accurately, reminded me of me, when in my twenties and on an 18-30 holiday in Corfu, got as drunk as a skunk, jumped on a stage and tried to impress the local girls by dancing like a complete prat, just like Dan.

Ah yes; those were the good old days!

Paws With Soul were barking, so too was Strokes Of Madness. However I was impressed by the drawing they did of Simon (It's all about the money) Cowell, but I didn't get all the wild gesticulations in between. I simply couldn't get my head around that.

Impressionist Jess Robinson didn't sound anything like the people she tried to impersonate, and as for that weirdo Jim Fitzpatrick, who unimpressively first appeared on stage with a cardboard cat's head with illuminating eyes, which explained the electric cable trailing dangerously behind him, reappeared moments later with a cardboard replica of The Love Boat on his head!

He needn't have bothered though.

By the looks of Cowell and his fellow judges, Fitzpatrick's chances of getting through to the next round had already sunk lower than The Nightly Shows average viewing figures.

And if you have indeed seen the viewing figures for The Nightly Show, then you'll know, that's really saying something.

However; still undeterred, farcical Fitzpatrick came back yet again, with an extremely badly made, and very ugly papier-mâché alien mask on his head. Truly awful.

Yet amazingly, there were some good bits. DNA Double act aka Andrew and Darren for example, were mind readers.

Now they really were good.

Firstly with judge Amanda who was asked to randomly select a contact from her smartphone and to remember the last three numbers and name of the contact. The other half of the duo who remained on stage at the time correctly got not only the name of the contact, but also the last three numbers.


The duo then got Simon on stage and asked him to (via his mind) write down an imaginary house number, enter the imaginary house, think of the colour of the living room wall, enter the kitchen, and then name the calendar he saw hanging there. And again; the guy who remained on stage said, precisely that which Simon had written on an A4 writing pad.

Now don't ask me how the heck they did it! Granted; Simon didn't actually write 'Sir" Roger Moore, but I'm splitting hairs here. And I also have no idea how they changed their T Shirts either.

The DNA boys were good, and so too were the Missing People Choir.

When missing Claudia Lawernce's father Peter appeared on stage with other Mums and Dads who's loved ones had gone missing, and began to sing, it was incredibly touching.

There was not a dry eye in the place as the choir sang, "I Miss You", a song written by choir member Peter Bozell, whose son Lee went missing 30 years ago, and as the faces of the choir members missing loved one's appeared and disappeared on the screen above them, the whole audience, was absolutely silent.

The song also included lyrics by schoolgirl Alice Goss, who was tragically murdered in 2014. She was only 14 years old.

It was a very poignant, and touching moment.

The Missing People Choir may probably not win, but one thing's for certain, they deserve to, and whatever else happens . . .

We won't forget them, or what we saw, and what we heard.

After that the rest of the show went downhill so quickly it's hardly worth me writing about it. The viewing figures were good though, a healthy 8.65 million, which is not bad for a talentless talent show.

The other good bit was the urinating Yoga Dogs.

It's sad really isn't it, when they only extremely funny bit of the entire show was a dog peeing into David Walliams shoes.

Neils Harder; a magician, who appeared to me as a cross between the Nutty Professor and Back To The Future's Doc Emmet Brown, made me cringe with his very camp audition.

The magic sadly, such as it was, didn't impress me either however, I was glad he didn't chop Ant's head off. And as for Sarah Ikumu, why didn't she wait a few months and audition for X Factor?

She would have won that show hands down, and I would have downloaded her album in a heartbeat. I probably still will.

That's providing of course; she ever makes one.

So that's it then. Another series of Britain's Got Talent is underway and like many of us, I too have no idea as to how many looney bins up and down the country, the shows organisers had access to, to get so many of these wacky and weird auditionees in.

Clearly; there is an inexhaustible supply of them.
Good news for ITV, not so good news, for us.

And after ten years of watching this show (I cannot believe I have just publicly admitted that. Please don't tell Kevin O'Sullivan, I'll never hear the end of it) I am pretty certain Britain, with a few exceptions, by and large, has very little talent, at all.

The X Factor's little cousin, "Britain's Got Talent' continues next Saturday on ITV1 at 8pm.

Watch it if you must.

Or watch it if you're like me, a hopeless addict; to curiosity.

It's entirely your call.

Thanks for reading.


There is 1 Comment

@thecobrasconk's picture

By thecobrasconk @thecobrasconk

So, Britain's Got Talent is now in full swing and already several key issues are apparent. David Walliams' camp 'act' is wearing thin, Simon Cowell looks like a walking advert for Jacamo and Amanda Holden has now clearly had more work done to her face than Mount Rushmore. It's increasingly clear that if she has one more facelift, she'll probably need to get a bikini wax on her chin. Her expressionless face is such that it's now impossible to tell whether she's happy, angry, surprised or sad, although she's still capable of turning on the waterworks, especially when a kid performs a song from a musical.

The format is now, however, incredibly tired, predictable and staged. The producers would have us believe that a few random, unprompted questions suddenly results in a carefully constructed sob story from an unsuspecting contestant, designed to seemingly make for good TV. My dog died, I was bullied, I've just got out of an abusive relationship, my wife used me then left me for Neil Morrissey...

We've already had the usual assortment of acts; singers, dancers, choirs, magicians and, of course an 8 year old comedian. Sadly, mother in law jokes don't quite work when the comedian is still in primary school. While we've seen most of the golden buzzer acts, none of which I can actually remember, we've yet to see David Walliams'. No doubts it'll be predictably embarrassing and, despite having direct entry into the live semis, will have less chance of winning than Jeremy Corbyn has in upcoming General Election.

However, Simon Cowell's biggest concern at the moment, must surely be how will Brexit affect the BGT talent pool? Based on current form, I'd say he's more worried than the hospitality sector.