Even breathless Kate Humble’s legendary enthusiasm isn’t enough to save BBC2’s boring Arctic Live from being a drab TV wasteland.

Here she is standing around in her woolly grey hat with a vast white wilderness disappearing into the distance behind her. As television shots go, it’s a dreary disaster.

As is Canada’s forlorn frozen town of Churchill, a relentlessly bleak-looking outpost that has one thing going for it. Lots of polar bears. Majestic creatures which Kate promises us we can see – drum roll – live!

And soon we do. There’s one shuffling across the road watched by a busload of tourists. A magnificent moment in the wild? Or not much more than a depressingly urban photo-op for fee paying visitors and a nearby BBC camera crew? You decide.

The excellent Simon Reeve does his best to inject some excitement. But his snow-lashed interview with the local mayor swiftly descends into a desperate attempt to promote this collection of hideous buildings as the ideal place to spend your holidays. It SO isn’t.

High point of a long hour was Reeve’s trip to Greenland where for a moment our spirits soared at the sight of dramatic mountains towering over brightly coloured houses by a sparkling iceberg-filled sea. Astonishing scenery.

Closer inspection revealed that most of the homes were boarded up and the paint was peeling from the walls. The remaining residents eked out a meagre existence struggling for work and lamenting the exodus of those forced to leave in search of a better life.

The only hope for the remainers was a proposed massive uranium mine that will disturb the radioactive rocks and threaten an environmental catastrophe. But it looks as though the dwindling community have no choice. “People need jobs,” sighed Simon. He’s right.

With that it was back to Churchill where distinguished wildlife photographer Gordon Buchanan was camped out under dishcloth skies peering towards to the horizon. When he caught the odd polar bear on film it wasn’t exactly awe-inspiring. As he solemnly promised us more bears on ice it was pretty easy not to get over-excited.

Meanwhile, intrepid Humble was off to Alaska to report on the bitter battle to stop Shell offshore drilling for oil. It was quite interesting. But not – drum roll – live!

Telly types get terribly worked up about the word “live”. They think it makes their little programmes edgy and compelling. They’re wrong. But still they assail us with tripe like Bedtime Live, Easter Eggs Live, Foxes Live and – another of calamity Kate’s triumphs – the ludicrous Airport Live.

Can someone please tell these clipboard carrying idiots that we couldn’t care less if their shows are live? We just want them to be good. Which Arctic Live most definitely is not.

It’s all very well to treat us to a three part series that focuses on the ecological risks to one of the world’s most endangered species. And to produce the documentary equivalent of Sky Atlantic drama Fortitude. As in… Christ, it’s cold here!

But so far Arctic Live is an entertainment dead-zone. No matter how many times Kate surveys the desolation and pronounces it to be amazing, incredible and astonishing… on telly it’s nothing of the sort. In truth, it's all rather miserable.

Sadly, Ms Humble’s notorious book of OTT superlatives isn’t enough. Arctic Live is shaping up to be even worse than Richard Hammond’s epically awful Planet Earth Live. You heard it here first… LIVE!