The Apprentice: Another year, another shower of shambolic wooden-tops

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The Apprentice: Another year, another shower of shambolic wooden-tops

October 14, 2016 - 20:35
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The Apprentice is upon us yet again so it’s time to tick the all too familiar boxes. Let’s run through the key elements that keep every identical series exactly the same.

The Apprentice

The Apprentice is upon us yet again so it’s time to tick the all too familiar boxes. Let’s run through the key elements that keep every identical series exactly the same.

Ludicrously stupid wannabes guaranteed to spectacularly screw everything up (check). Absurd boasting as scripted by the puppeteer producers (check). Outmoded 1980s-style pursuit of the wealth and power that the crap “candidates” are way too moronic to achieve (check). Desperate attempts to be ruthless (check)…  

“Lord” Sugar’s outmoded 1980s-style bullying in the workplace (check). His Lordship’s pre-prepared rubbish one-liners (check). Pretend boardroom (check). Lots of meaningless shots of skyscrapers (check). Unnecessarily early alarm calls (check). All of the jargon-spouting twonks doing such crucial high powered jobs they can spend three months mucking around on a daft reality TV series (check). Cheap suits (check). At least one former lap dancer (check)...

Not forgetting the dimmest duo of them all… the two suckers who volunteer to be project leaders in the first episode. One of whom always goes. As Michelle Niziol found out when she led the girls to disastrous failure in the feeble flogging antiques task. Bye then. Not missing you already.

Week two and the early stars of the show are beginning to emerge. And by “stars” I mean the truly hopeless halfwits most likely to make us laugh.

Step forward brainless Jessica Cunningham who is not only untroubled by cogent thinking but is also a tightly wound bundle of nerves. And take a bow Karthik (emphasis on the second syllable) Nagesan, a gormless goon who plans to become a billionaire before moving on to govern the country as the worst Prime Minister ever. And that’s saying something.

Proud of the huge hair hedge that grows from one side of his smug face to the other, Karthik boomed: “If I wanted to be like everyone else I would have plucked my mono-brow. I don’t want to be like everyone else, everyone else wants to be like me.” No. They. Don’t.

But back to chief female fool Jessica who is the requisite ex exotic dancer and now presides over an internet fashion empire. Allegedly. When these people say they run their own business the chances are they’re unemployed. Cool in a crisis, Jess forgot to take any clothes to an important photo session and promptly burst into tears.

Anyway, the challenge was to create an advertising campaign for Japanese denim jeans. Nice and not patriotic. But what to call them? “Itchy Ban,” suggested joke bloke JD O’Brien, who looks as if someone painted his scalp black. They probably did.

Incredibly, terrible team captain Mukai Noiri rejected Itchy Ban in favour of Day After Yesterday… or D.A.Y. for short. Mukai wears a bowtie in the look-at-me way that all men who wear bowties do.  It goes without saying that, despite his quirky sartorial inelegance, he’s clueless.

But possibly not quite as epically clueless as Oliver Nohl-Oser (crazy name, crazy guy) who was in charge of market research in London’s West End. Oliver (with clipboard): “Do you know anything about Japanese denim? Girl: “No.” Oliver: “Excellent.” Er… that’s it.

The boys’ advert was a load of confusing cobblers featuring some teenager falling over on a skateboard and announcing that his Tokyo trousers were tear-proof. Meanwhile, the interactive bus shelter billboard would have been a stunning success… if it was interactive. But it wasn’t.

Which should have assured the girls of an easy victory if they hadn’t chosen to film a toilet-based commercial in a sushi restaurant that made absolutely no sense at all.

But on to the pitches to top advertising agency executives. And you had to admire mumbling Mukai’s opening gambit: “I’m really sorry, I’ve just completely fluffed it.” Yes, they were painfully aware of that.

As for Jessica and her incompetent cohorts it remained a mystery why they decided to call their jeans “Claim Your Fit” and then to promote them with the catchy slogan “Unclaimed”. English as a second language.

When livid Lordy Sugar surveyed the pitiful results of both teams’ pathetic efforts he exploded in what appeared to be almost genuine rage.

“They’re useless!” he snarled, accurately. “Both totally absolutely useless. I feel so angry that none of you came forward to do this thing properly. Never mind Mad Men, more like demented dimwits.” Our thanks to the great man’s gag writers for the last bit. Hilarious.

So furious was Cockney Al that he dispensed with the usual conclusion. No winners, no losers… just a selection of the worst of the worst.

Obviously, airhead Jessica should have been out of there. As should numbskull narcissist Karthik. But in the grand tradition of The Apprentice the Carry On class clowns survived. And they won’t be going anywhere as long as they keep delivering the slapstick entertainment. This is a comedy programme, nothing more.

Instead, unnoticed hairdresser Natalie Hughes got the chop. Hapless Nat might have been upset about getting the You’re Fired treatment. But her deep space Scottish accent was so strong I couldn’t understand a word she said.

As they trundled back to the luxury house, JD sighed: “It’s been a long day and there’s a lot of people talking a lot of nonsense.” Karthik: “Right.” Do these guys even want to be the tycoons of tomorrow? Or, like 99.9 per cent of the fame hungry contestants, do they just want to be on telly? You decide.

I feel a tad sorry for His Lordship. At the end of his beloved “process” he’ll have to go into business with one of this shambolic shower of wooden-tops. Guess that’s one way to chuck 250 grand down the drain.

There are 3 Comments

Truth detective's picture

By Truth Detective

We all know what to expect, we are used to the numbskulls being super deluded as they trip through the self congratulating platitudes, "I'm a winner", "I'm Lord Sugar's natural business partner", "I'm a born pop star", sorry no that's The X Factor but you get my poin t- The Apprentice simply comes down to one thing, it's a freak show for suits and scratch under the shiny veneer to show the chip board underneath, what the show is simply a vehicle for pseudo wannabe celebs to kick start their otherwise dormant careers and one day dream of being on any other show which starts with the word celebrity.

This isn't about winning a contract to start a business it's simply an opportunity to be in front of camera, on tv and hoping beyond hope that they can stretch this magnesium like bright flash of infamy into a stay of execution that leads to a trip to the jungle or Borehamwood or in fact an episode of all star Mr and Mrs, essentially, the business they crave is the business called show, and the Cockney ring master flanked by his advisors is the one who calls the shots and it's his fickle finger of fate that decides who might just be on loose women in a years time flogging the book that tells the inside story of how they overcame adversity to open the local branch of Greggs!

Anna May's picture

By Anna May

Only two episodes in and I’m starting to get a bit of déjà vu. Only two episodes in and I’m starting to get a bit of déjà vu. No…hang on…stop…

You see, all these men and women hoping for a shot at having Lord Sugar as their business partner know the score. They’ve seen the show before. Well, some of them have anyway. Natalie, the most recent reject claims she hadn’t, but…really?

Each one of these adults (except Natalie) knows how harshly they’ll be spoken to by all other adults involved, especially Lord Sugar himself and his assistants Karren Brady and Claude Littner.

They know they’ll have to praise themselves above and beyond the point of complete embarrassment, for the benefit of video clips that are repeatedly shown to define them as the conceited, overbearing wannabees that, actually, we want them to be.

What fun would it be if they were all incredibly polite to each other and could handle every single one of the tasks they were set. That would be no fun at all…and a real slog to watch.

Yes, I know a lot of them are super annoying, but that’s the point. Put a bunch of super annoying people in with a bunch of applicants who are really trying to stay on task and watch it all fall apart.

However, there’s one important message The Apprentice puts across. No matter how clever you THINK you are…and how brilliant you are at what YOU do for a living, there will always be something you cannot do as well as someone else and, if you think a basic lack of common sense can’t ruin your chances…you’re wrong.

But don’t worry, Lord Sugar will tell you you’re wrong as many times as he feels like it. Because it’s his show and he’s very rich, right? Absolutely! Because all you need is money to be able to ridicule others who don’t have any…right?

No…all you need is a bunch of people who know exactly what they’re walking into and are prepared to play the ‘game’ for entertainment’s sake. Lord Sugar isn’t forcing them to do any of this. They’re up for it…because they know they could potentially land themselves a lucrative deal elsewhere, either in the business they want to pursue, or because of their ‘unique’ personality…whatever that may be.

You cannot deny Lord Sugar is a clever guy who’s made his money doing what he knows he can do best. He doesn’t profess to know everything about everything, but is still keen to branch out into other areas with people who DO know more than he does about their particular business.

I have to admit, though, I cringe through most of the episodes. Mostly because the success of each task depends on each person doing their particular job right...and, as each contribution turns out to be a little mini disaster in its own right, I can almost picture the outcome. The thing is, it’s nearly always FAR worse than I imagined, but that’s the point of the show. Drag the applicants to Hell and back, whilst making sure the one with the best business plan is in the final. Job done.

Let’s face it, this is a contest where you can only really get sacked for not pulling your weight. Be rude, be nasty, be as critical as you like of your colleagues, but that won’t get you fired…unless that’s ALL you do…and you were only admitted into the process for being a loud-mouthed dimwit…because Lord Sugar doesn’t really want to help you finance your new Broken Biscuit Repair Works company. (Thank you, Ken Dodd)

GeordieArmani's picture

Long time fan of the show but each year it gets more and more laughable. We watch it now for entertainment value, its a good laugh. Surely Lord Sugar doesn't want people to watch the show and think that.

Remember the Junior show? I think those kids had more common sense and wits about them than half the grown ups have had in the last few years. Another thing that always makes me worry is, why doesn't Lord Sugar know what businesses they want him to invest in before they are even invited onto the show!! really bizarre.

GA xx